Technology

People are so hungry and thirsty for love in this broken world. We are in an age where the now 20-30somethings come from a lot of divorce, substance abused, sexual assault, and general dysfunction. Then  as a society we became so intertwined with the internet that people created alternate universes for themselves. As much as I love the things I am able to do with the advancements in technology, and connection that the internet provides, I often wonder what freedoms; what genuine and meaningful experiences I am robbing myself of when I engage deeply in electronic life. I pray that I never get so swept up in it as to not be able to find my way out. May there always be daily "unplugging" in my life.

Robbed

So, I went ahead and tried to move forward with plans to get the heck outa this town. I have been thinking and praying a lot about moving to Oregon and I thought it would be a good idea to try and get a buddy pass to fly out on my winter vacation to check out some neighborhoods.

Now, I don't have much money to spare, so that's why I was going to go with the buddy pass option. I had previously purchased one off of craigslist and it went great! When I saw a new posting for a SWA pass for 180 bucks I was super excited.

My excitment was soon turned to despair after I put up half the payment for the ticket and was swiftly ignored by the seller; phone number blocked, hung up on when calling with private number, no response to texts or e-mails.

I feel so disappointed! I was so looking forward to being able to get out to Oregon and scope out a few places. Plane tickets at the cheapest are running at $522 from Chicago right now! UGH!

So, I lost $90 and learned a lesson, but it wasn't fun.

Feeling a bit discouraged, but still have hope that I will get the opportunity to go out there and so some research.

Catch and Release

It's the end of an era in my life and I couldn't be more thrilled! As summer is turning to fall here in Chicago, I am dreaming of when spring will turn to summer and I will be released into a new season of life. I feel alive, full of hope, relieved, and slightly nervous.

I had a talk yesterday with my bosses that included an end note about my job as their nanny ending in July when the kids go to summer camp. The kids are now 13 and 10 and really don't need a nanny anymore. I will be leaving exactly how I wanted to... like Nanny McPhee or Mary Poppins; when the kids don't need me anymore.

I must tell you, as hard as it will be to say goodbye to those kids, I am delighted to be entering a new season of life! I have been in a sort of waiting period... life has kind of been on hold. It has felt this way for a long time... probably 4-5 years actually. I haven't felt strong direction or freedom to go on to a new adventure until recently, and this meeting confirms my inner promptings.

My plan is to think about, pray about, research, and seek advice about moving out west. I'd like to live in Oregon, but I feel open to other possibilities as well. I love Oregon and that is the place I feel the most pull toward.

Me on the Oregon Coast in 2009

I have been to Oregon three times and loved it every time. When I am in Oregon I feel alive... I love the air, the sea, the green, the pace of life! I enjoyed Portland, the coast, and some towns in the mid-eastern portion of the state during my previous visits. Although I wasn't there for more than a week each time, I really didn't mind the drizzling rain throughout the day.

Anyway- there will be more to come about this, and I can't wait to share how this next year evolves and how God guides and provides me to my next steps.

Hope you have a blessed day!

When a Cold is More Than a Cold

At risk of being vulnerable, I will share something here that I am feeling right now.

One of my biggest struggles is when I am not feeling well and I know (or feel) that there won't be anyone to take care of me. This is a familiar feeling for me, as due to circumstances out of my control, throughout my childhood I was required much of the time to take care of myself. I had many a night with a puke bucket by my bed, or a stack of snotty tissues piled on my nightstand that I had to clean up in the morning... Right before I made myself some chicken soup, took my temperature,  or administered medicine. I learned to be self sufficient and to suffer quietly not only physically, but also emotionally. I acted tough and didn't ask for help. 

Today this pattern still exists to some extent, and the part that's the hardest is the emotional part. There have been seasons in my life where I was in a safe community to share needs and where those needs were met in significant ways, but now as I lie here with my scratchy throat and pounding head, that community is tucked away in years past. It's the emotional ties attached to the physical that becomes hard for me. I so badly want a back rub and some one to play with my hair... Some one to bring me something to drink... Some one who I can tell that "I am fine and don't need anything else right now"... The security in knowing that a person is available is strength enough to perk me up, or toughen me up... Whichever is more applicable in the moment. 

I realize that there are people out there tonight with no friends and no family, with no home and no food, and certainly those who feel worse than I do with the hopefully minor cold that is currently trying to take over my body. I can't shake the loneliness tonight though... The weight is heavy and I am having trouble seeing outside of myself. 

God please help me. Heal my body and heal my heart... Let me be vulnerable with the people I know love me when I need help or special care. Let me not be afraid of my need and the fear of rejection that is paired with my needs. Free me to be whole and open and to trust. May I trust in You and Your tender care for my body and my soul. Grow me, change me, humble me, inspire me, speak to me, and hear my prayers. Amen.

What Are You Hiding From?

     Last night I had another interesting dream. There were a lot of things that happened, but the part that stuck out the most to me occurred in a cafe. I was with Mike, Felicia and Gretchen. They had already picked out what they wanted and I was still trying to decide what I wanted by the time they sat down and started eating. I had ordered a chicken taco, something I can't remember, and then I was inquiring about a salad with spinach or mixed baby greens. The cafe workers informed me they only had romain lettuce and I was disappointed.
   
     It turned out that my friends parents (Relitz's) owned the cafe , so I told Vicky, "Hey- what's up with not having spinach or mixed baby greens? I was really wanting to make a healthy choice, but you didn't have any and Romain is not worth it." (This was a strange conversation because I don't talk like this) I was instructed by Vicky to go talk to Pastor (I can't remember his name) and give my suggestion to him as he does all the ordering. ???

     
     Now here comes the part that seemed interesting/meaningful. When I approached Pastor so-and-so I noticed he was talking to another guy and I hesitated to interrupt about my salad needs (I don't even like salad that much!!). I went up to him and said, "Hello, sir... sorry to interrupt you. My name is Liz and I was told I should talk to you about salads offered in the cafe." He looked at me as to say, "go on", and so I did. I said, "I was hoping for spinach or mixed baby greens for my salad, how come you don't carry it?" He paused for a second and looked at me as if to analyze my soul and said, "Please forgive me for being forward, but what are you trying to hide from?"
       I didn't know what to say and I didn't know what I was hiding, but I also felt strangely vulnerable and like he knew something about me that I didn't want anyone to know... although I didn't have anything specific in mind. I sort of stumbled over my words and told him that maybe he thought I was hiding from something because I felt awkward coming over and introducing myself to him. As he looked at me in disbelief he said, "I just want you to think about that, ask yourself what you are hiding from."

Then I woke up.

     This question has been haunting me a little bit today. What am I hiding from?? What other way could this question be phrase to be more understandable to me?? Why the salad??

   
      I have been thinking lately about my next step in life. I feel like I am  often thinking about this, but the time has come where the actual next step is getting closer. This school year I will be pursuing a certification as a Birth Doula and lactation consultant. I am excited about this next stage in the process to becoming a midwife, but I am also thinking past that. I feel that next year will be a year to do something new in a new place. My heart is calling me west. I would love to live in Oregon and continue to pursue midwifery as I experience a new place. It would be close to so much outdoor beauty; ocean, mountains, rivers, valleys, forests... I want it all!

     I want to keep dreaming and pursuing and working hard toward this next step. May I not lose motivation or vision. May God give me a path that is at the very least clear that it is the right path. Whether it is moving west or staying close, may God's will be done. Please keep my heart alive, Jesus! I have been enjoying the gift of feeling His joy and a wakening of things that have gone dormant for too long.

1st AC

I just finished up working on a short film called Flyway, directed by a friend of mine. It was an amazing experience. This is the second short film I have worked on with this director and crew. The story follows a group of teen boys on a little adventure that must remain nameless until further notice. ;)

On the set of the last film I was a production assistant. I basically helped out wherever needed whether that was holding lights, running errands, and recording sound bytes for audio. This time around I had a more involved role as the 1st AC (assistant camera). I worked with the Director of Photography which I learned, entails much more than just holding the camera and pressing record.

I got to use the slate, help set up the camera, and do my favorite and most challenging part; pulling focus. I can't wait to see the finished product and think to myself, "Hey! I did that!" when the focus changes from close to far in a scene.

After four long and satisfying days of shooting I feel alive! I feel ready to take on the world. My brain is awake and my body is tired yet stirring with anticipation of the next adventure in life. Working on this film is just what I needed.

I am dreaming today about what is next... what will the next year bring? What steps to my goals and aspirations will I take in the coming weeks? It feels good to feel motivated and excited about what is to come instead of feeling like waiting will never end.

Dream about Lana

     I always dream in color with strange details and vivid images. There is usually someone morphing into someone else and I am usually experiencing the scene both inside myself as me and outside myself while still feeling my own emotions... this phenomena often seems to happen at the same time. I at times see numbers,  hear songs, or  have words that pop up in my dream and use them to help me find meaning (if there is any) in the morning. 

     

     My dreams have been a powerful proponent in my life and have helped me to sort out personal battles, given me inspiration into healing I didn't even know I needed, and prepare me to walk into situations in the future with a clear mind. Some days they mean nothing and other days are just what I needed to see or hear. They often allow me to step into another's shoes in order to provide encouragement or prompt me to say a prayer or reach out and say hello to and old friend. Today I am sharing a portion of a dream that seemed particularly meaningful to me about a woman named Lana. 

     

     During my dream there were many things that happened. One of which, was me reading a message from Lana's husband about some issues she was having with seizures. It was just a quick note to say that everything was ok; they were taking care of her and asking people to please not freak out or talk about it. In the dream, I take note of the message and think about how I can best be a support during this time. I decide I need to be a protector and make sure that I heed the messages request, but also be available if help is needed. 

     

     The dream then cuts to me with a bunch of kids. We are playing and building forts and playing pretend. As time goes on we end up playing outside in the park... either by walking there or magically transporting. :) I won't get into that whole portion, but towards the end of this scene I walk over to a car that is supposed to be taking the kids home before their curfew, as I wanted to make sure everything was set and they get home on time. As I turn back toward the park I see some commotion, and on the ground surrounded by a rectangle of chalk on pavement, Lana is having a full-blown seizure. I think to myself, "Oh crap, there it is" with a kind of calm yet urgent inner voice. There is some one behind her head keeping it from banging on the ground and I am running up just as the seizure is ending. As I go to her to talk with her, others start encircling the chalk rectangle that contains Lana and her shaken body. I feel torn because I feel like I am supposed to come near and encourage, but I don't want to be doing it out of panic or in a way that is not welcomed. 

     

     Lana's husband is standing at the foot of the rectangle just outside the chalk-line. I look toward him looking down at her; He is calm, yet concerned with the crowd. He gives me a little nod as to say it's ok for me to approach. I crouch down, Lana is sitting up now, and I ask, "Is there anything I can do for you?" She starts telling me a little about her seizures and that she is not sure why they keep happening. She looks discouraged yet strong… somehow these both come across in her… discouragement in her slightly slumped body, but determination in her eyes. Her face looks tired, almost as if she's had a stroke and some of her teeth have broken along the left side. She tells me that maybe if everyone calms down she can tell the story of what's been going on with her, and I see a little joy in her eyes and I assume she wants to share-- she wants to be able to tell people more. 

     

     Just as I look away from this flicker of joy, the crowd starts surrounding again, asking questions, some crying, some shouting... they've had to wait too long and are getting increasingly distressed. I stand to assess the situation and as I do, a nurse shouts loudly into the crowd, "Everyone needs to back up and give Lana some space! We will fill you in when the time is right and give you details on Lana's condition!" As I look back down to Lana she is starting to cry. I reach out my hand to her and she takes it as I help her stand. She is looking at the ground with tears welling in her eyes. I lean in and whisper into her ear, "That's hard isn't it?" She gives a little nod and I pull her in for a hug and just hold her and let her cry. 

    

     When I said, "That's hard isn't it?” I was talking about being in a position to not be able to talk for herself... others were doing it for her... the whole crowd was there throwing out ideas and questions, the nurse was claiming "we" will update you... which Lana knew wouldn't be and opportunity to share like she would’ve liked. As I was hugging Lana I got woken up by the morning sounds of the day, so I didn't get to talk further with her in the dream about how she was feeling. 

    

     As I lay in bed, I reflected on the dream and especially where it left off... trying be able to understand fully the emotions involved and unspoken words and if there was anything to be learned or understood for waking life. I felt like it was important to take both the beginning message and the last scene into account. There was a request for normalcy, there was a longing for genuineness, there was thirst to be known fully, and there was protection and also intrusion. There was a need for gentle understanding, for asking to be allowed in, and for support of emotions with comfort and reassurance. 

     

     I pondered on what a delicate dance life must be like for some one who is in Lana's position... she is a person who is known by many, but only deeply and safely known by some comparatively speaking. A life where secrets must be kept; not out of desire, but out of necessity. She has a journey that includes many eyes with many voices all butting in where they aren't invited... and for what? Curiosity? A lack of their own sense of self? Longing to be known and loved themselves? It is a curious position we humans put ourselves in; we have our own lives yet can become obsessed with others and think of their lives as our own. We can escape into alternate realities and be convinced it is the place we belong. 

     

     I hope that for Lana she feels joy today. That the people she wants to share with she does so, and it feels safe... that although the healthy balance of protection and uncovering at times possibly includes a thick fortress, she feels freedom... because freedom is found in safety. And joy can be found in all sorts of places, even those that are hard and stressful. I hope for the world that they can be loved in a way that is true and good and full of understanding grace as well as healthy boundaries and moments of filling up, so that each person can live fully and allow others do so as well. 

     

     May I take my own advice as well, and live in a way that is honoring to others and welcomes them in as well as making sure I am taking care of myself in good and healthy ways as to not drain life from those around me. May I ask when I am in need and give generously as I am filled to over-flowing. 

Be blessed Lana and all people of the world! Today is your day! Today has great opportunity for growth, learning, love and being loved. Soak it up!

A New Day | A New Year | A New Decade

As the clock has just struck midnight, today is my last day as a woman in her twenties. This birthday is hitting me pretty hard...30... it just seems big, unknown, old... haha! I don't really know what I want to say, I just felt like I needed to write, needed to mark this day, this new season in life with some sort of expression.

I want this next decade to be full of new experiences, and coming into a more confident and settled sense of self. I want more freedom! I want more joy! I want more Jesus! I want to step out more in boldness and love of others. I want to pray more. I want to step more deeply into the Word... it is calling me. I want to write more, sing more, dance more, eat more vegetables, take more walks, travel and explore, sit and stretch and cleanse. I want it all... and I want to do it all with Christ.

As I have spent a lot of this last decade in a state of hibernation leaning towards stagnation in the weariness of waiting, I think it is finally time to let in the fullness of what God has for me. I came to shore for a bit and built a little sand tunnel, but now I will run with reckless abandon towards the crashing waves of the Kingdom of Heaven.

I have been released to dive in. I've been guaranteed back up in the form of wisdom and friendship and angels. I have the tools and now it is time to go. The Lord is beckoning and I am ready to answer. I am ready to jump in the boat... or out of it... I'm just ready.

I am grateful. I am hopeful. I am a bit unquiet in the anticipation of what is to come. I am willing. I am like a soda bottle who has been slightly shaken and can't wait to explode it's sweet fizzy bubbles all over the place while also feeling like the face of the victim of said soda shaking... squinting, standing back a bit wondering if I should just not open up the can, but sure that even with the mess the adventure of the unknown will be well worth it.

I am prayerful. I am counting on the healing power of Jesus... His strength, wisdom, grace, love, presence, angels, Word, comfort, truth, and example are the foundation of making these next years count.