When a Cold is More Than a Cold

At risk of being vulnerable, I will share something here that I am feeling right now.

One of my biggest struggles is when I am not feeling well and I know (or feel) that there won't be anyone to take care of me. This is a familiar feeling for me, as due to circumstances out of my control, throughout my childhood I was required much of the time to take care of myself. I had many a night with a puke bucket by my bed, or a stack of snotty tissues piled on my nightstand that I had to clean up in the morning... Right before I made myself some chicken soup, took my temperature,  or administered medicine. I learned to be self sufficient and to suffer quietly not only physically, but also emotionally. I acted tough and didn't ask for help. 

Today this pattern still exists to some extent, and the part that's the hardest is the emotional part. There have been seasons in my life where I was in a safe community to share needs and where those needs were met in significant ways, but now as I lie here with my scratchy throat and pounding head, that community is tucked away in years past. It's the emotional ties attached to the physical that becomes hard for me. I so badly want a back rub and some one to play with my hair... Some one to bring me something to drink... Some one who I can tell that "I am fine and don't need anything else right now"... The security in knowing that a person is available is strength enough to perk me up, or toughen me up... Whichever is more applicable in the moment. 

I realize that there are people out there tonight with no friends and no family, with no home and no food, and certainly those who feel worse than I do with the hopefully minor cold that is currently trying to take over my body. I can't shake the loneliness tonight though... The weight is heavy and I am having trouble seeing outside of myself. 

God please help me. Heal my body and heal my heart... Let me be vulnerable with the people I know love me when I need help or special care. Let me not be afraid of my need and the fear of rejection that is paired with my needs. Free me to be whole and open and to trust. May I trust in You and Your tender care for my body and my soul. Grow me, change me, humble me, inspire me, speak to me, and hear my prayers. Amen.