Update

Hello. How do you do? That's a funny phrase isn't it? It's like... how do I do what? I don't know, it's just funny... too many dos in a short amount of time.

In my last entry I talked about Connie, my favorite resident at work who was not doing well. She passed away (or expired in technical terms) last weekend. Things just don't seem the same without her. She used to sit by the fish tank, and by a certain column in the dining room. Often I have found myself look there expecting to see her, and feeling awkward remembering she is gone. Other significant people have died since then too, and it's just a strange feeling. Now that I have rapport, and relationships with these residents it's a big deal when they die, I feel a void. This makes me want to work even harder for them, pray for them and with them more often, get to know them and care for them. It is good and bittersweet all at once.

In other news my life is at another turning point. I don't know exactly which way I am turning, but I am definitely trying to make it more towards God and whatever I am supposed to be doing for and in Him right now. I may have to give up things and take on things that are hard, uncomfortable, and may even leave hard feelings. I am hoping though that people can understand why I am doing what I am doing. Day by day a confusing mess becomes more of a comforting peace as I move closer to what I think may be a solution.

Things in IV are going to change which excites me very much. I am looking forward to all working towards a goal/idea that will finally work for the resources and people we have involved in our group right now. We have been trying so hard in the past few years to make IV great, and to rebuild, but our efforts get to a certain point and then fail, or atleast growth in one way or another stalls. I think that if we all get on board and really strive not for tradition, but for something that will work while still keeping in mind to Misson and Purpose of InterVarsity great things will be accomplished on this campus.

Dudes, I went to a sweet 80's party last night and I won a sweet prize for having the best 80's look! I wasn't even going to go to the party, but when I decided I wanted to I went all out, and it was worth it. I had a good time and it was fun to dress up. Thanks Ilene for initiating and hosting!!!

Today I went to the Hunan house. I must say that it is not a good idea for me to go to a buffet. I just don't eat enough to make it worth it. Unless of course it is Ponderosa! Ponderosa has all my favorites. But seriously, when I am eating rice, and chicken, there is only so much I can eat and that's not even a full plate. It was very delicous, but in the future I'll abstain for a menu restaurant. Besides the food our conversation was great. It was Me, Megan, Jeff, Nate and Jesse. There were good laughs, theology, fortunes/proverbs that didn't make sense, and meaningful conversation. It was refreshing to go out and have such a good time talking eventhough all of us aren't all buddy buddy or anything.

Last night Lisa stayed over which was nice. It was fun to talk about life and have a visitor. She said something that inspired me. She said that she sat down and made a list of all the things she wants to do before she settles down with a family. She said she didn't realize all the things she wanted to do! I think I am going to do it. The other day I made a list of all the things I was longing to do... you know, meaningful life changing things. Now I am going to include those with all the fun and maybe useless things I want to do!!! I'll post it when I am done.

Ok, I am off to have a chat with Ms. Kristin.

PEACE OUT YO!!

Connie

Today is a somber day. I mean, it's been ok an all. I decorated one of the dining rooms for halloween, talked to a few residents one on one, did some paperwork and data entry on the computer. All of that has been alright. Tonight I am going to a training session for work to get a new program started here about famous artwork. After that I am hanging out with Megan which I am very much looking forward to. There are two things though that are preventing my day from being great.

One is that a guy named Claude died last night. He was so cute and when I'd walk by him he'd say "toot toot doodle oot" or other little noises. I found out he'd passed this morning when I got to work. The other reason my day is not excellent is because my favorite resident, Connie is not doing well. She had a stroke this weekend and they are saying she probably won't make it through the night. I am very sad to see her struggling to breathe, face drooping, and no words coming from her. I tried praying for her, I hope she can feel some comfort and peace. I will definitely morn when she is gone.
Well, my lunch break is over so I am off to do some more paperwork! WOOT!

UGH!

I just wrote a lengthy and enjoyable post and then it got erased! What a lameo thing to happen!

Here is a very short version:

I have been feeling really good this past week, my sickness must be gone.

I spent a lot of time with Maria this weekend, tons of hugs and love, fun testing her smartness and teaching her things (she can sort colors!!). I LOVE being with her.

Megan and I are searching through a book while I search at work for the secrets of the masons and how Lemony Snicket's books are secretly a way to reveal the mysteries of the Masons: Both thrilling and enjoyable.

That is all, have a nice day!

Life goes on

Well, my worst fears did not come true. I do not as far as I know have a terminal/scary condition that will effect my internship and possibley the rest of my life. However, it does still hurt a little when I breathe in deeply... hmmm I have been feeling pretty much back to normal besides fatigue here and there. I try to search for tasks at work to keep myself awake at times.

Things with my internship are going well. Tomorrow I am going to shadow my boss. It should be pretty interesting. For the next three days our facility is being evaluated by the state. Tensions are high and administrators are freaking out. It's kinda fun to see people running around. Also, every time I walk by some one, because I am a newer face, they look at my name tag immeadiatly to see if I am from state. It's amusing.

Ok, so I am off to babysit! Hopefully the kids are in bed!!!

SCARED

I am so scared right now. I wish I could say it was a thunderstorm, or the dark, or shadows that I am convinced are monsters when really they're the trees outside.

I am scared of tomorrow. I don't want to do this alone and I feel so alone. At this point my sickness could be anything and by tomorrow I'll know if it's something I have been fearing for a long time, or something I can take an antibiotic, a few days of rest and be back to normal in no time.

I don't know what kinds of tests the doctor will do, I don't know how long it will take to get the results back, I don't know if I'll have to go to another doctor to get answers.

I am thirteen hours away from either dispelling my "silly fear" or making some of my worst nightmares come true.

My fear may be irrational, may be unwaranted, may seem rediculous... but I have been sick for a month, that's gotta make one worry.

I feel exhausted and restless all at once.

I am going to watch a movie with my grandma to try and help get my mind off things.

Thank you to everyone who has been so good to me through all this ickyness of me being sick, thank you for being concerned, encouraging, patient, kind, and for checking up on me. I appreciate it more than you know.

And to my friends on the bus; Tricia, Nick, and Michelle: Talking to you three tonight helped me feel better and more loved. Kristin, talking to you made me think about something exciting and beyond the world of me, thank you for calling me.

NEW POST

Hi.

Well, to spare everyone from my true life I feel I should make up a new one... one that is as romantic, spontaneous and lovely as Joy's. But I will continue on with my own, which is pretty sweet anyway.

The past month here at school has been interesting, challenging, fun, as well as a less emphasized, but very present crappy due to being sick.

I started my internship, and as many of you who talk to me regularly know, I love it. I am making meaningful relationships with my co-workers, and creating wonderful bonds with my residents. Unlike the other staff, I as an intern, work both 1st and sencond floor. The rest of the recreation staff are assigned to just one floor. This makes for two things: more to remember, and more people to care for.

I like getting to know the residents, talking to them, and wheeling them around in their chairs. I have many stories if anyone cares to hear them, and I might just tell you even if you don't. heh.

Just today I had to go in to talk to a new lady and fill out an Activity Assesment where I ask an individual about their interests or things they'd like to be involved in. When I went in and asked the lady how she was doing she replied, "Well, I had a throwing up session right after therapy, and then I went to something else and they brought me back here and I just had another throwing up session." She tells me this while holding a puke container, luckily it was not used yet. The whole time I was praying that she didn't puke on me. :)


Other than my internship and a month long sickness that I am going to the doctor about on Monday and will fill you in on later, my life has been full of friends, IV, TV, and more IV. :) I am the large group coordinator this year, which is something I've never done before, but am enjoying flying by the seat of my pants for now.

I am going home this weekend and I get to see my family and my Sandy, and my baby, ohhh and the BELLY!!! For those of you who don't know Sandy is pregnant again! I think it's a boy. I can't wait to get home to squeeze everyone.

Now it is time for... da da da DAH!!! That's right MORE IV!!! Tonight is fun-night for open house and we're going to deerfield park! WOOT WOOT!!

I'm BAAAACK!!!!

Oh man!

I am back in Mt. Pleasant and boy am I happy to be here! I am hanging out with my buddy Lisa, acctually she went on a round cause she's a cool RA.

Today I got my haircut again. I am bald now... just kidding! It is shorter than the first time I cut it, but I like it! It's all spikey in the back which is enjoyable.

I was supposed to have a get together at my place today, but I ended up going over to Lisa's and getting Hotwings with her. She loved them so much, and it made me so happy! Sometimes I forget how much Lisa and I connect when we don't talk very often. I really enjoy her company and I think we can relate quite well to each other.

Ok, I am done with this now. I have to talk to my friends now.

WEEK!!

I just wrote a post a few days back, a really good, informative, and perhaps entertaining post!!! But then, my computer went all crazy on me and deleted it!

So, I am here now to tell you that things are good.

This week... my last week at home is going to be quite busy.

I am working, babysitting, hanging with my granny, and also with Nick.

I move back to good ol' Mt. Pleaz on Tuesday! I am bringing my bongo game and hot sauce so watch out!!!

I am looking forward to seeing everyone, finally being in the same town as some of my dearest and most favorite people, and living in a place I hold so close to my heart.

For now I am going to bed. I have to get up early to watch zee babay. She is getting so big, so fun, so smart. She signs "please" now, but instead of rubbing her chest like you're supposed to, she rubs her tummy. Guess it's all the same to her.

Ok Dudes, I'm OUT!

PS. I watched "Shall we Dance" tonight. I'd recommend it! I have it on VHS if you want to borrow it!

Photobucket

This is a test post from Photobucket.com

Puppy

My puppy is supposed to be born any minute! Princess, my mom's Miniature Pincher was breed with her manly friend Spike, who is a Chihuahua. I'll add that he is about hlaf her size... she is kinda chubby. Spike is four pounds and Princess is 10 pounds when she's not pregnant. I asked my mom if she would breed them again so I could have one of the puppies because I fell in love with one of the "Pinuahua" from the first batch that has been promised to Josh. That puppies name is Stevie, after Stevie Wonder. Stevie has a problem called "water on the brain" that causes him to run in circles, bang into walls, and bob his head back and forth like Stevie Wonder. A perfect dog for my brother I might add! He is even tall and lanky... oh and he prances. lol

Anyway, I have been looking forward to this puppy since the last batch (about a year ago) when my mom said I could have one. She said she would pay for it's shots and get me all set up with a "puppy starter kit". When it's ready to leave it's mother it will be able to fit in my pocket!! AWWW!!!

BUT there is some sad news about my puppy endeavors. I didn't think it would be a problem for me to have a puppy where I am living because the Fountains let Joy have her very large and very charming cat, Bubba. My puppy, even when full grown will be half the size of Bubba. When I asked them on the phone if it would be alright they said no!!! Oh, I was heart broken. I want so badly to have a little compainion to come home to, one that will always love me and want cuddles. Since Maria needs to stay with her parents I thought a puppy was the next best thing! Oh.... I can not tell you how very sad I am right now.

I am going up to Mt. Pleasant on Monday and I am going to talk to them again. I am going to explain just how small this little pup will be and explain that it can't really cause any trouble and if it did I would sign a contract to repair/replace anything that needed to be. I am hoping if I give them my "sad face" and a good argument then it might work. I have just been looking forward to it for so long!

Adventures in Grandma Land

Hi.

So, lately I have been doing a lot of things. Not big things, just quite a few little things.

The other day I came home from work and told my grandma I wanted to go somewhere fun, do something fun, or spend a rediculous amount of money on something I don't need. Now when I said I wanted to spend money I was of course talking about her money and not mine! heh...

ANYWAY, we made plans for the next day (Wednesday) because it was my day off. Our plan was to go to an antique store or two, and then go some place I wanted to go. We settled for this choice after ruling out a cruise. We thought one day would not be enough time for a cruise. :)

So, Wednesday comes and both antique stores we go to are closed! Apparently places like these are only open on the weekend these days. This being said it was my turn. I had a few items that I was dreaming to spend money on:
A Clavinova
A MAC laptop
A Digital Camera
Two Video games and accessories
Jewelry of sorts
and
A purse because honey exploded in mine

That was biggest dream to smallest... I discussed my dream with my grandma and decided I was in an electronics mood so we went for the video games. Grandma's don't know much about video games and so it wasn't very easy for her to catch on to the vision... I did end up getting three DVDs though... she knows about movies.

We left the video game store with the conclusion that grandma would check her finances at home and see if she could get me what I wanted. I learned soon after it was just code for, "it's easier for me to spend my money on other things that I know about, so you have to wait for your electronic bongos that I know nothing about".

We decided to skip over to JC Penny to see if we could at least get me a purse. We went to the purse section and I ended up getting two, and a pair of sunglasses. heh...

For those of you who don't know, I spent most of my early childhood with my grandparents. They live right next door to me and I went to their house nearly everyday. This means not only am I very close to my grandma, but that she lavished me with expensive gifts all growing up. I remember going shopping with her and she'd buy me expensive clothes at private clothes shops... yeah... I know... ew.

OK... so back to my story. We walked past some khaki capris that caught my eye because they were cute and they were 70% off! Grandma suggested that I might as well try on some clothes while I was there since there were such great sales. I agreed it would be a good idea. My arms were bursting with clothes by the time I made it to the dressing room... she just kept loading me up. We were having a good time. I really was enjoying shopping with her. We were both doing something we really enjoyed and we could relate to eachother.

Then we got to the cash register. Before we arrived I asked if I should just pick a few of my favorite things, but of course grandma insisted I just take them all. I thought the total would be a little over $100, maybe $150......... $300!!!! IT WAS Stinkin' $300!!!!!!!!!! I freaked out and was like... "No, that's too much"... we can't spend that much, I was thinking... oh man! I was panacked. I have never (or atleast never known that I was) spending that much money on so little clothes, and never all at once. I was ready to hyperventilate. Grandma of course insisted it was ok, although I think she was a little in shock too! We went out into the lobby and I looked over the receipt pondering how it could have possibly added up to that much. I bought quite a few nice items, and I never shop at JC Penny unless something is $15 or less. All the clothes I bought were for work this fall, so it turned out they were reasonable for the amount and quality.

I don't like this being an adult and buying real clothes thing. I can't believe I own that much worth of clothes... and they are not even complete outfits. I still have to get a few shirts. I am just blown away. I haven't wanted to look at clothes or even get dressed in anything but my pajamas. UGH! I feel so bad. I just keep thinking about all the little kids in this and other countries and how much $300 could buy them. It makes me feel sick.

So anyway, I had a really great time until I got to the cash register. Today my grandma wants to take me back out and get me the video game I wanted. She really is a spender... I guess though, she doesn't really have anybody else to spend it on anymore, and she is very generous in her giving.

I have another story, but I'll put it in a separate blog.... this one is really long!

Stuff Stuff and more Stuff

So, I am officially back from Cali. I have been back to work and love it even more everyday! This past week I have been working every day and so it made me feel good to have some consistency. Yesterday was my day off and now today I don't work until 5:00pm. It's been a nice break.

CALIFORNIA
While I was on my trip I stayed in two different locations. One was in Temecula with my aunt and the other was with a girl who Krista knew from CAMP CHINA in Thailand. Both places were lovely and very accommodating. The first three days I stayed with my aunt. While I was with her we drove through some vineyards, went to the wild animal park, watched jeopardy, went out for Mexican food, and generally enjoyed eachothers company. I had never had the chance to get to know my aunt very well, but I have always wanted to. I have also wanted to visit her in California ever since I was a little girl. It was nice to live out a dream.
The rest of the time I was with Erin and Krista in Anaheim. We did lots of things: beach, concert, universal city walk, Rodeo drive, Hollywood Blvd., Guinness book of World Records museum, Grauman's Chinese Theatre, Toured the Kodak Theatre, Wax museum, tried to get on the Price is Right but didn't make it, drove a lot, went to Del Taco and In and Out, saw Knotts Berry Farm, went to the Orange County Fair, and watched some movies as well as playing some Super Mario Brothers!!! PHEW! That was a lot!
My favorite part of the trip was staying with my aunt, the animal park, and Kodak theatre. I discovered that I never want to live in California EVER! And that week was long enough to visit. I also learned the importance of making sure the people you're with don't mind being tourists!!! The trip had some crappy times, but overall it was good. California is very beautiful, but very tainted. Deep, I know.

YESTERDAY
Nick and I played DDR and watched million dollar baby.
TODAY
Today Nick and I are going school shopping for his new school clothes. I think I am going to protest jeans with dragons on them. :) hee hee After that I have work.
TOMORROW
I am going up to Mt. Pleasant for an interview at the Masonic Home (a long term care facility). While I am there I will also be talking to my profs and getting everything settled for the up coming year, hanging out with Megan hopefully and maybe seeing Jeff too if he's not working. ALSO, my good friend Danielle has invited me over for dinner! I think we are having chicken. WOOT WOOT! I am also very excited to sleep in my fluffy bed!!!!!!!!!!!! YES! SCORE!!!!

Ok, I am OUTTA HERE!!

California

My trip here has been great, I'll fill in details later.

I am returning home tomorrow and then have work Thursday night.


I have a surprise for some of you when I get home.

Grandpa

My grandfather passed away on Tuesday. I saw him die. It was very unnerving. At times I still feel very creeped out... almost dirty. I have pretty much felt sick and not been able to eat much although it is getting better, especially today. I don't think I feel sick because I am sad. If you have ever seen someone die, been touching them even, you'll know why I feel sick. Everyone keeps saying he smiled before he died, but no one saw what Dad and I saw. He was smiling five minutes before he stopped breathing, but he was trying to scream when he died.

I am not missing him yet. It is strange to look over and see his body in the casket. They made him look different from how he looked in hospice; Almost like a doll... I don't like it. I haven't gone over to the casket and I try to keep my back to it. The object in the casket is a shell that once held a great man, but to me now is only a vessel. When I look around my grandma's house, or when I think about or talk to people who are very sad to hear that he is no longer living I feel sad. Personally though, for now I am not sad. I am relieved and joyful. Maybe it will hit me later.

I am going to CALIFORNIA in 3.5 days!!! I am so so excited!!! Nick is taking me to the airport and Krista is meeting us there!!! It is going to be sooo fun! I think I will poke Krista the whole way!!! hee hee If I have computer access I'll update from there.

Ok, well... I am skipping out of the visitation right now to write this... needed a little break.

Tomorrow is the funeral at the methodist church--12noon and lunch to follow. He is being creamated so there is no burial service or anything.

Talk at ya later!!!

Foolish Me

I am a fool. I am convinced that I am.

I get a blessing just in time to mess something else up that makes it seem like the blessing never happened!

Living simply is easier when one doesn't have any money. However, using money one does not have is also very easy. Especially when it has to do with calling another country to talk to a friend. I have now lost almost the exact amount that was just gifted to me the other day to fix my car.

It's times like these that I feel like such an idiot. I don't know how I am going to pay for all the crap I have to pay for. Oh yeah... and my rent is due today... ha... Dear Lord please help me.

My day was really good until about 30 minutes ago. Maria and I played all morning long and I watched Pimp My Ride... one of my favorite shows!!

I really hope I get on the Price is Right and win a large sum of money, or gifts that I can sell for a large sum of money. Is it OK to pray to win a game show?? I mean, Bob supports animal population control... that's a moral cause right?!?! :)

Is this a joke??

There was a man that came to the orchard the other day to get some fruit trees. Obviously he had not been around in quite a few years because we do not sell fruit trees anymore. This man, I think his name was Mr. Baker, decided since he could not find anyone that he would inquire about his purchase with my Great Uncle Kenneth, who lived up above the store in the attic apartment.

When the man walked up the stairs and knocked on the door, he received no response, but heard the TV on very loudly. When he entered the room he found what he thought to be a manikin, hunched over a reclining chair in the middle of the one room apartment. "Is this a joke?", the Mr. Baker thought to himself. In just seconds Mr. Baker realized by the smell, flies, blood all over the floor, and the very bloated and rotting man with his pants half off that this certainly was not a joke, but a death!

I don't know how the rest of the story went down other than the police came with an investigator, and then the funeral home came and picked up his body. I was there when they brought his body down. We were urged not to look, and all I could smell was something that resembled manure and dead animal reeking out from under the sheet he was covered in. That poor funeral home guy had to drive all the way to Ortonville with that horrible smell!

We don't know how my uncle died, maybe the heat, maybe a heart attack, maybe he was just old. All we know is he was dead for a few days and was mostly unrecongnizable due to the decomposition and bugs. My grandma, his sister, was/is very upset by the whole thing. I can understand why because she has looked after him for many years. She loved him. We had to tell my granpa too, and we could tell it upset him as well.

Speaking of grandpa... He is declining very slowly. The doctors and nurses say he is still alive because of his strong heart and body systems. He was in such great shape from working the fields his entire life. He is drugged up, and for the most part sleeping. We can tell though that he hears us and many times understands through the morphine what is going on. Sometimes he'll smile or wink or lift his eyebrows while we talk to him. It's comforting to know he appreciates our visits.

I am tired. This whole ordeal is dragging on and on. I love my grandpa, yet it is so hard for me to see him suffer. I don't want to say I wish he were dead, but it is so hard to see him in this condition. He is a prisoner in his own body at this point. He is not strong enough to move, but he has a mind and heart that love and long to be somewhere other than where he is right now. And he can't even express that to us. We can only tell by the looks he gives us. I wonder if we took him home for a day if he'd let go. Maybe he's waiting for us to take him home... Last week he did say he was ready to go home.

I am heading to hospice right now to see how things are going after the news of my uncle. Please pray that I have strength and joy in these crappy times. Pray that I am a comfort to my family, especially my grandma, and that she can feel Gods love and peace through what I say and the love I show her. I need help saying the right things at the right times in these delicate situations. My patience is definitely being tested.

Ok, I love you all! Thank you so much to my faithful readers. It's so good to know that people actually tune in to this thing! It makes it so worth writing! And I love reading everyone else's too!

Update

Hello.

So.... I am moving back home. Just for the summer though. My job in Mt. Pleasant was not working out and so I am quitting. It was good experience but not enough hours. I got an opportunity to work at the Subway here in Goodrich again and so I am jumping on that. I will be moving in with my grandma to keep her company and help her do things. I think it will be fun and good for both of us. It will probably be hard too. I might have rules and restrictions and stuff.... AHHHHHH!!!! hee hee... I am her little fav. though so I am sure she'll let me do what I want.

Grandpa is still alive. He was looking pretty good for a few days an "upward spurt" they call it. Sometimes happens right before someone dies. Yesterday his heart was racing so fast; about twice as fast as mine! Now he is on Morphine for pain (that may have caused the racing heart) and a medicine that helps him relax. He was looking pretty awful yesterday.

Last night I stayed the night at hospice with grandma. I had a very hard and skinny bed. Grandma and I had some good giggles right before bed which was fun. I didn't get much sleep. I'll take a nap after I am done posting. Grandpa was very quiet during the night, a little too quiet. I was worried when I woke up after a few hours of not hearing him take a gurgling breath like her usually does. I woke up, heard nothing and thought... oh no, he's dead!! What do I do?? Luckily grandma woke up a few seconds later and sat up and checked on him. This morning she said he was barely breathing at that point.

I don't know how this whole death thing works exactly. Apparently everyone's different. Grandpa's roomate died yesterday. I was in the room when it happened. The man just stopped breathing. He took a few deep breaths after that, but then he was gone. It was so strange. It made me feel funny. I also felt curious so I kinda peeked over to see what he looked like. The room got very quiet, and stayed that way for a while. It was strange knowing there was a dead guy in the next room. His family was sitting all around him. Weird I tell you.... just weird. I wonder how it will work with us.

I was going to go back up to school today to finish up my class, but now my key won't go into my ignition. Before it took a little jiggling, now all the jiggling in the world couldn't help. It must be from the accident... somethings out of place or something. The car place said that they can't get me in until the end of the week. So, going back up is out of the question for now. Good thing my prof was understanding of my situation before I left. If not, I'd be in trouble. I hope I can work something out with her. This is my last class and I don't want to mess it up!!

Ok, I am going back to my house now for a nap. After that I have to start writing this paper for my class so I don't fail!!!!

PEACE!

LA LA LA

I don't feel like writing, but didn't want to leave my audience hanging in the wind.

I have work tonight from 11pm-9am and I am not allowed to sleep!!! WEEEEEE!!!

My heart hurts a little bit today. I think I need a good QT!!!

Talk at ya lata!

Hey Hey Hey

Hi everyone. I am here at the library on this very hot day. This morning I watched the Price is Right with Krista... well, we were both watching it in out respective locations and talking on the phone. It was very enjoyable. For those of you who don't know, Krista and I are going to Cali. July 12th and will be gone for 8 days!!! CRAAAZZY COOL I tell you! We are studying up for our big debut on THE PRICE IS RIGHT!!! That is if we even get in to the taping, and then happen to get on as contestants! We are going to make T-shirts and everything! Any ideas for what we should put on them?

Today has started out to be a good day. I thought of Laura as I ate two toaster strudels for lunch! Now all I need is some shrimp and waffles and I'll be set!! Oh and maybe some NACHO CHEESE! I even thought of eating my lst ice cream treat for lunch too, but I refrained.

I have a presentation in my English class today. I am teaching about in-text citation MLA style. It's not very exciting, but my group is great. We hung out last night at Dorothy's (where I babysit) and ate pizza. We get along very well, which makes the class enjoyable for us. I think most of the favorites in the class are in our group so that's kinda fun. We try to decide who the teacher loves most! hee hee

Update on Gramps:
Last weekend was very difficult as we had to make decisions about grandpa's care for the future. His hospital stay was up as he ran out of insurance money to cover it, and so he needed to be moved. There were a few different options, but our family, with the help of a few winks from grandpa decided hospice was the best choice.
I feel relieved that the whole family talked and prayed together and that my grandfather was consulted about this whole thing. It was important to me to have everyone on the same page communicating exactly what they thought was best. I think I was the only one who realized what was acctualy happening to gramps. It was difficult to see my family come to realize where things were headed.
Grandpa has about 6-8 weeks left tops. Depending on what kind of care plan the hospice staff decides on will determine how much longer he will live. There is discussion to not use the 6 doses of antibiotics that he has been getting, or to only put them into his feeding tube instead of by IV. Also, it was mentioned that they may not use his feeding tube all together. The goal at hospice is quality of life. My grandpa will be made as comfortable as possible for the remainder of his days. If they stop antibiotics and the feeding tube it could be just a matter of days. He would get drugs so he didn't feel hungry and would recieve artificial hydration (basically using an IV or nose tube that provides fluids). As soon as I know the details I will post them. I tried to find out before I wrote this, but couldn't get ahold of anyone.
Overall I think this is a good choice for grandpa and my family. My grandma was taking it pretty hard after hearing the word "hospice", but after visiting the facility with her and seeing the relief on her face and in her posture when seeing friends of the family volunteering there, I think things will be really good. They set up a cot right next to grandpas bed so the two of them can be right next to eachother all night. The environment there is so pleasant and these people really know what they are doing.
It is kinda scary to know that his death could really come anytime now, but I am so happy his suffering here on earth is almost over. There is so much good for him to look forward to. When we were talking to him Saturday about how he wasn't going to get better, and how the end was near, he cried. My dad told him that we just want him to be happy and that soon he would get to go to heaven. I told him that we'd be up there right after him! We all cried together that day holding grandpa in our hands. This has been an interesting, testing, intense, hard, joyful, bonding, contemplative, slap-in-the-face sort of experience so far. I know that the next few weeks are going to be even more of all of those things I mentioned. Going through this is definitley growing and stretching me. Without God I'd be lost right now.

Let's Never Rollerblade again OK?? OK.

So, today I had to rollerblade to the library because I was late for class... I was early, but then Heather couldn't get my car started because of my weird key-not-going-in-the-hole issue and she needed to go to work. I walked home and decided I should hurry back and use my rollerblades to speed up the process. Well... that was a big mistake.

On the way home I had a tragic rollerblading accident!!! I was going too fast and couldn't stop. CRASH BANG BOOM!!! I was on the ground my purse was under me filled with odds and ends that were very hard. I shot back up and looked around making sure no one saw me. Then I almost fell back down because the wind kinda got knocked out of me. All I could say was "Oh, crap!". It hurt so badly, but I tried to shake it off.

The pain kept getting worse so I went to the ER. It was quite anti-climatic as Krista said when conveying the story to her, and they sent me home with some motrin. I am just glad I am not broken or cracked.

So now, I am not going to be rollerblading anytime soon. I think I am going to go home and eat some ice cream and go to bed.

Random Fun in Clare

So, yesterday I was in class and I got a call from Michelle. I sent her to my voicemail, because... well, I was in class! At the break I decided to call her and see what was up. She was like "well, just wanted to see if you were bored and if you wanted to come to Clare and chill and ride bikes around town". I was like "CHA!! OF COURSE!!"

After class I went home and grab some tennis shoes and then was off to good ol' Clare. I had never really been there before so it was an adventure from the start. When I got to this guy Erics house I was met at the door by his adorable mother wearing an apron! hee hee.

I made two new friends (Kim and Eric), got to catch up with Michelle a little, had a greatcurry chicken dinner, ate a delicious cup of jello with coolwhip on top, rode around Clare on bikes, went into a funny western shop, rode the rail trails for 10 miles, and got to learn about specialty bikes. It was a really great time.
It was so cool how we all just hung out and it was like we were always friends. Kim and Eric knew eachother previously, but Michelle and I just met him that day. Eric showed us pictures of a trip the family took to India where Erics dad lived for eigtht years as a boy because his parents were missionaries. Dude, it was so cool!

Kim and Michelle stopped by my new place on their way home and chilled on my fluffy bed for a while. I read them funny stories and fed them swiss chocolate!!

It was a wonderful afternoon/evening. YAY for random fun!! I love it!!!

Back to the Grind

I am back in Mt. Pleasant today (got back last night for babysitting). Spent the holiday in bed with my boyfriend. I wasn't feeling very good today so I slept a lot. I watched two movies and went to the grocery store for milk, bagels, cream cheese, and a frozen treat... all of which were on sale I might add. I am going to try and make that my grocery trip for this week and next. We'll see if it works!!
Luckily the computer lab was open today so I had an excuse to get out of the house. I rollerbladed a little bit earlier today, but on a beautiful day like today it's hard to just sit around. I did have time to do some reading for class and a little personal reading and reflection however, which was much needed and very enjoyable.
When I left last night from Sandy's it was very hard. I wanted nothing more than to stay and cuddle with her and the baby. My visits there seem so short, and Sandy and I don't get much together time because of trying to get things done and being distracted by the little cutie. We did get to chat about important things for a while yesterday and Friday she stayed up a little later than usual because she wanted me to play with her hair. That was nice. My time with Maria is so precious to me. I eat up every moment. We are developing such a bond. We are learning how to communicate with each other and play. Anyway, she is really great.
Tomorrow is class, and a meeting with a lady at work. I am going to try and figure out why I am not getting any hours! I have another paper to start this week for class. Should be pretty interesting. I think I am going to write about WalMart! Such controversy, so exciting!
I'll see all you crazy kids later!

What if it was important??

Today I was at the hospital with my grandpa today. I was there for a good 7.5 hours. Grandma and I spent the whole day together chatting and enjoying each others company. I always like spending time with her, especially one on one.

While my grandma was at lunch, I was standing next to my grandpa for a while. During that time a doctor came in and was trying to see if he was disorientated and asked him who I was. I know grandpa knew because of the way he looked at me, but he didn't have enough motor control to say my name. After the doctor left I told him that I knew he knew who I was and it was ok that he couldn't say it. I reassured him I could tell he was trying to make the 'L' sound by the way he was moving his tongue. He kinda looked at me like, "yeah, I was!". He then looked at me like he had something to tell me. He just kept staring at me, and then at the ceiling, trying to concentrate so hard to try and communicate a word, or words... I stood there for a while patiently waiting for something to happen, a sound, a word so I could fill in the blank... anything. All he could do was stare at the ceiling.

What if he had to tell me something important? What if it was a piece of advice that I'd wish I'd had? What if he just wanted to say I love you!! Man, that was hard. I wanted to cry. I had to go and ask the nurse for a drink so that I didn't cry in front of him. I didn't want him to see that I was upset. I know it sucks for him to be in the postion he's in. He can barely tell us yes or no sometimes. It hurts so much to look into his eyes. I see so much pain and distress. He has beautiful eyes. Bright and light blue they are so stunning. They are eyes that can be trusted; loving, kind, and gentle eyes. I love him, I really do... it is so hard to see him suffering in so many ways. Today was hard for me. I cried a lot. And so did grandma.

I am here at home for another day, and then it's back up to Mt. Pleasant. I am hoping to spend some time with Megan this week. I have another paper due for my Eng. class and a lot of reading to do. I am still not working in the way I thought I would be by now. I have had one shift, and another one to come on Saturday. I am so confused because I was under the impression that I could work 40 hours a week. I am going to have to do some inquiring to see what exactly is going on.

I miss you all my friends. I would love nothing more to be spending time with some of you, being crazy, and having a blast.

Wedding Bells

Yesterday was Megan and Jeff's wedding day. It was a gorgeous day outside and in! The decorations were divine, and the ceremony was perfect. The reception was filled with good music, great friends, a bustle broken by a little girl (don't worry I fixed it!), yummy food, a romantic dance, plenty of laughs, reunions, and a birthday cake too!!
The time before the wedding I ran around communicating between bride, groom, officiant, and families. It was pretty fun, I love stuff like that. Everything ran very smoothly.

The ceremony was just perfect for the two of them! Everything was done with such quality, especially the music and dance. Yesterday truly was a celebration of the two of them.

When they left the church I helped Megan and Jeff unload their gifts and wished them a happy honeymoon. Then I got to my car and realized I forgot my keys! I almost just walked home and waited for them to call me later (partly because I was scared they would be naked already based on a story I heard earlier that day, but more because I knew how much they wanted to relax). They were so happy to just be together; alone without people being weird to them, or taking their picture, I didn't want to be a lame-o. I decided that I might as well just interrupt their togetherness now instead of later. We all laughed when I came back, and I got to wish them a second goodbye! :)

I just looked down the street (I am in the extended hours study) and saw Megan and Jeff pick up Jeff's car! They are off for their honeymoon on Mackinac Island! Lots of fun and fudge to come!!!

Today at church we had a great service! We learned about conflict and how to deal with it. If anyone wants to hear the sermon it's at mpcc.org... Probably will be posted within the week. The things Pastor Scott had to say were very valuable and applicable! Then after that couples in the church who had already gone through a special packet on their own were invited to come up on stage and renew their vows. It was so great! They all looked at each other with sincere love. The sparks were flying!!!

Joylyn and her new man Thor came to stay with me last night after the wedding. We went to Doozies, watched Shrek 2 and Joy and I had girl talk in my room until late. It was so great to be able to catch up, and just talk like we used to! Thor is great too! He was a very gentlemanly, considerate fello.

Today I am studying, eating a yummy leftover lunch, possibly napping, maybe watching a movie later with Jes and Natalie, and generally relaxing!!! Ah! It feels so good to have a day of rest!

PEACE!

More Drama?!?!?!

Apparently my step-mother over-exaggerated what I said to her making me sound way more nasty than I really was. She told my dad that I said "You are nothing to me. And I don't want to be here because you are here", along with some other things that weren't at all what I said. UGH! I explained to my dad what really happened and he was ok with it. He knows she takes everything I say too far, and over reacts to the things I say. It made me feel a lot better to know he understood. Oh, and I guess that angry stare she gave me was her way of "Staying clear of me"... I am not sure how that's going to solve anything, and neither is my dad, but I guess I'll just be extra polite and gracious the next time I see her. This whole Step-mom thing is so weird! I hope that time will make things better. Anyway, enough of that...

So, lately I have been really into reading my friend Rebecca's Mom's web journal. Rebecca's mom (Pam or Pammy) has a form of leukemia. I found out about this a while ago, and ever since I have been checking up regularly on the status of things. She writes everyday, or has someone else write for her if she is too weak. I got to see pictures of her "Birthday" (The day she got a bone marrow transplant). It is so amazing to be able to read what she goes through everyday. I'd recommend this to everyone who has an illness like this. It makes it easy to look back on things, and also makes it easy for others to check up on you.
The most amazing part though, is seeing how much Rebecca's faith has grown. For a while I was concerned that she had dropped God and was on her own path... not a path to horrible things, but a path that was not God's. Seeing the way she writes for her mom, and even a previous website that updated things before Pam went into the hospital has shown me how dependent on God Rebecca has become. It makes me just filled with joy and excitement to see this happening! the way she talks about God, His faithfulness, and the power of prayer truly gets me excited. Man, it's soooo COOL! WOOT WOOT!!!

I have also decided to pick up something I started a long time ago: Dream journaling. I am not doing it for any other reason other than that it's so funny/interesting to look back and see how ridiculous they are. I had a dream this morning that I have to journal still... I think I am going to entitle it "Mopey". If you really want to know who Mopey is (yes it is a character in my dream), you'll have to ask the next time you see me. I also have a dream in there from a long time ago titled: David Hasselhoff and the End of the World. LOL Going back and reading them I can remember exactly what the dream was, it is really neat.

That's all my thoughts for now. I have work tonight, which is a nice bit of unexpected income! God is good! All the time, all the time He is good!!! I love that song!!!

Controlled by a Strong Canadian Wind

Something about the wind blowing in from Canada is making me feel like the only way I can get onto AIM or MSN is if I update my blog first. hmmmm... I better be cautious.

So, I am here in Mt. Pleasant... Ah, how I love spring time on campus. The trees all have their leaves, the tulips are coming out, the grass is thick and green, and the crab apple and berry trees have their blossoms. I just love walking around here when everything is so beautiful.

I am taking one summer class: English 201 (advanced composition). It seems like it is going to be both intriguing and a lot of work.

*** I'm interrupting this update to tell you that a very gross man is sitting across from me and is coughing without covering his mouth. He is also moaning at random times, which I am assuming is him clearing his throat... He just looked at me... Maybe he can sense I am writing about him! AHHH***

Anyway, back to school... I am looking forward to being able to work hard at one class and do really well. I already had one test that counted towards my grade and it's only the second day of class. I didn't fail it! YAY!

I start my summer job soon, and for those of you who don't know yet, I will be working for Listening Ear. I am going to be working in a group home on midnight shifts probably 3 times a week and also helping a couple guys do things in the community... I am assuming recreation, grocery shopping, etc. I am not sure of all the details yet, but I will let you all know as soon as I know. I have a three hour meeting on Thursday morning where I will fill out paper work and watch some sort of video.

So, sad news... My grandpa is in the hospital. I don't feel like talking about it right now because I feel like I have told the story so many times. I can say though that I am learning a lot, and being tested at my limits. God is working in my family, and in me, yet tragedy is also at work. It is interesting to see how everyone reacts.
OK IT'S ANNOYING STEP MOM TIME!!!!
(krista, I can't believe I forgot to tell you this story... She is still mad me)
So, when I got home to my actual house and was going to be there for more than a few hours it wasn't until about Thursday of last week when I had actually been in town since the previous Friday. So on that day I decided I should do some much needed laundry. There was laundry in the washer and dryer that belonged to dad, Joe and Dee. I took the laundry from the dryer and set in on a big tupper ware container like usual, and put the clothes from the wash in the dryer. As usually expected, upon the ding of the dryer I took the clothes out and put them on top of the first pile. I went about my business not really thinking much of my actions since it is the way things have been done for a long long time.
The next day I got a phone call from a friend and decided to take it outside. When I got back in Dee said "Liz, did your dad talk to you about the laundry", I said "no" and looked at her quizzically. "Well", she said "Next time... The hangers are sitting right there can you just hang up the clothes instead of piling them in a big heap, I don't want them to get wrinkled."

UGH!!!!! OK, for real people, these "clothes" were mostly random lounge clothes that were ugly anyway and no one should ever wear, besides what the heck?!?! Why was she confronting me about this anyway, how was I supposed to know that the hangers were supposed to be used or if they were extras, and why was this expectation of a new practice put on me when I was just doing what was always done????
THE DRAMA CONTINUES
So, I say to her that I was only doing what I have always done, and she says she just wants me to be more considerate... blah blah... So I am upset and want to say really horrible things, but decided to tell her that maybe next time I will, or maybe I won't. I then proceed to go down stairs and slam the door as hard as I can. I am sitting in my room thinking very nasty cuss words, and wanting to punch something. I was just so taken aback that this new rule, or expectation or whatever was put on my shoulders when I didn't even know it existed, and when I didn't come through, Dee gets upset. UGH AGAIN!! Oh man, I was so mad... More mad than I have been in a long time. The act of helping with laundry itself was not the big deal, I like helping... It was the way I was reprimanded with an upset look and tone when I didn't do anything wrong. I decided to take matters further by confronting Dee. I took a few deep breaths and walked up stairs.

IT ALL COMES OUT!

I go up stairs and tell her "Never tell me to do something like that after the fact again! If you want me to help with the laundry just say: "Liz, I am really busy today, can you please take those clothes and put them on hangers for me?". "Don't get upset when I don't do something I didn't even know I was supposed to do!" My speech gets long after this and I proceed to tell her how I don't like staying at home because I don't like things are done around there. I don't feel like it's my home anymore. I wish dad was there, and if he were I'd come home more often. I told her that Sandy's house was where I felt at home. She tried to say as she always does "I am sorry that you feel that way, what can I do to change it?" The point was though, and I told her this... I wanted to see Dad... That's what would make things better. He is barely home, and when he is they are in their room having sex (I left the sex part out). Anyway, it's true. I left upset and unresolved, but I think I got my point across.
SHE WON'T LET IT GO
Sunday at church I went over to Dee and Dad to say hello. Oh man, was she still mad... It had been two days! Anyway... I got over her stupidness, so I figured she'd be over my rebuttal... Apparently not. She wouldn't talk to me, and when she looked at me she gave me "the look". Now her look is different than a regular "mom look". This is worse. This is a "you made me upset, I want things my way, I am gonna get them, I got your daddy and you can't do anything about it look". Oh man... It is scary. So... That's how things are right now... We'll see with all the extra stress of my grandpa how it unfolds.


WOW, this is a really long entry... Perhaps I'll write more tomorrow. There is something else I want to write about, but I'll just have to keep you in suspense!!

Update

Well, It's been a month since I last wrote so I figured it was time to write again!!

Things are going pretty well up here at ol' CMU. Most of my friends are stressed, but we are still finding time to be together and have a good time.

I had a particularly enjoyable time talking with Kristin last night. I was good to have some quality one-on-one time with a good friend. ahhhh.... it's just good.

I have four REAL finals coming up this week with two of them being cumulative. This is the first time I have had this happen. It feels strange that I acctually have to work really hard for four different finals instead of just working hard for one or two big ones!! Kinda icky, but I'll make it through.

Grandpa Porter is in the hospital and it looks like he'll be there for at least a week if not more doing rehab. After that he will be sent to either a convelecent home or to his home with an in-home care nurse or something. I really want to go home to help make decisions, and boost some morales, but I just can't swing it right now. I feel trapped. All I want to do is be two places at once, is that really too much to ask??

Anyway, I need to get back to the real reason I am at the library and that is for studying!!!

Talk at ya later!!

BIG

I want to do something BIG

I am not sure what, just something BIG, HUGE!!




BIG!

Oh How I Long to KNOW

I am longing right now....

Longing to know....

Longing so much, with no way to know until enough time has passed...

Longing to know what the heck "tee hee sniggle" means!!


I have to wait until I get to book 12!!! I am reading Lemony Snicket's Series of Unfortunate Events and I just can't take it!! Tee Hee Sniggle doesn't come until book 11 or 12 or something like that. Krista says it to me all the time. I hope it's code for something nice. :)

Luckily I am on book the Sixth, so I am not too far away from knowing.

The beginning of a good break

Tonight I begin my Spring break... but not before a disaster of course. So I had this online exam to take. The Prof. said that the test would be open Wed-Friday... so I assumed that it would be open for all of Friday since he didn't clarify. I even checked the online system earlier in the week just to be sure, and because I didn't see anything that told me otherwise I just kept on assuming. So, I come to the lab at 7:33pm on Friday and guess what... there's no test. There's not even any record that there ever was a test... there used to be a posted announcement about it, but it's not even in the archive of annoucements. Sooooo weird! So I e-mailed my prof. and I really hope that he lets me take it, or at least gives me an alternative assignment. I kind of feel foolish, but I also feel like it's not my fault. I hope everything works out without me getting mad! heh...

So, besides that I think this break is going to be great. I am going to start it off right with a visit to my boober Jessica!!! We haven't seen eachother in a long time, and I just can't wait to catch-up, see her new apartment (and her first), giggle a ton, cook together...awww... just be us together. I am very much looking forward to it.

Then I get to have a week off work and go home. Maria and I are "hanging out" on Monday and Wednesday!! YAY!! I think I might read some books, spend time with my gpants, chill with my dad, visit my mom, and hopefully, hopefully, get to spend some good quality time with my bubby. I feel like I don't even know him anymore. I don't think we've talked since I was home at Christmas time. ew.

What else... I think I might play with my furry animal friends do something adventurous and hang out with Nick.

I had a great week, and I think I have a greaterest one to come. Maybe I'll finish the whole Series of Unfortunate Events books. I am through book number 5 and have been itching for more!!!

Ok, that's enough typing for now, I am going to start my break by renting a hott movie... well, maybe not hott... but good... yeah.

A Turn

My life is taking a turn... I don't know for what... good or bad, slight or huge... but it's a turn none the less. I told you something was going to happen!!

Yesterday while talking to my dear friend Tasha I realized something:

I AM AT COLLEGE!! I HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO HAVE A TOTAL BLAST DAY AND NIGHT, DO CRAZY THINGS, LEARN A TON, BE A YOUNG ADULT WITHOUT A FULL-TIME JOB!!!!!!!!!!!

Tasha was talking about how she is being freed from all this stuff that she has been carrying around with her. She shared with me Luke 15... I was listening, I really was... but while she was talking I was coming to a realization. I need to pick myself up everyday, dust myself off and move on. I want to have fun and spend time with people, and do cool things. I hate how I have somehow become more unstable than I was before I came here to CMU. Maybe it's stress, but I never let "unfortunate or hard" things be an excuse to get me down before!!! I want my struggles to be stepping stones, my hurts to be spring boards for a better life, a deeper joy.

So, all in all I think the turn is something that could be huge, right now I am just taking it a day at a time. Which is what I used to do...

I am glad the sun is out today. At least it's sorta out.

Tonight I have small group, and then I will sleep.

The End

I wish this was the end... the end of something... so I could start something new, somewhere else. I want to get a new identity and go somewhere new where I don't have to be me anymore.

My car was crashed by a dear friend and because I took a risk, and couldn't afford full insurance on my car my dear friend and her parents are now thousands of dollars further into debt. I hate this. I want it all to just go away. I am trying to listen to the voice of reason, I am trying to let it go... but last night I couldn't.


A Night to Forget

I am black and blue because I had no way out
I couldn't run
I couldn't hide
I couldn't tell anyone
I tried, I tried to ask for help
There is no one on this earth to help
God was there, but I couldn't feel Him
I wanted to so badly, but I was hurting
Frustrated, angry, sad, worn out, pathetic
I couldn't run
I couldn't hide
I couldn't tell anyone
I am black and blue because I had no way out

---Liz---

I still want to run away, but as the day goes on I am feeling more and more like I want to stay, stay me, stay here... just go back to normal. God is bringing me people today that are showing His love for me, and I am grateful to Him for that.

Something is going to happen soon. I don't know what, but it's something.

Back into action

This week I am determined to go to all of my classes. I have been trying to get at least 8 hours of sleep a night, but in order to do that I was skipping class. SO... I have decided not to look at the clock when I go to bed. I already knew this little trick, but never really use it. You see when I don't look at the clock and say to myself "self, you are going to get up when the alarm goes off ready for the day, refreshed and renewed" it usually works. For some reason if I don't know how many hours of sleep I actually got I don't know how tired I actually am. I'll let you know how the experiment works out.

Speaking of experiments, I have to do some research for my philosophy of Recreation, Parks, and Leisure course. Tonight my task is to write up the abstract. hmmmmmm... How does one do something like that? Guess I'll just do my best at BS-ing my way through it.

I'd like to give a shout out to my GB-study friends. I was just talking about how all of you rock, and I love spending time with you when I get a chance. I am looking forward to seeing you all again soon and living out my life as a musical as we act like fools breaking into song randomly. And I think we all need some of James' famous heartfelt lemonade. :)
.
So this weekend I went to Genesis. God blessed me and I think our whole chapter hugely there. Worship was great!! I love gospel! The seminar I attended got me really excited for things to come, and of course car rides and staying up, and giggling a lot made us all closer. I am glad I had the opportunity to go.

This week I have two tests and yeah... other stuff to work on. It should be a pretty productive week.

I have my mind on a lot of "things" so I hope that all works out ok.

Word!

A side note about my freaky life:
There is a good chance I might have been watched by this guy with creepy intentions last night around 9-10:15pm. I was at the library and this guy kept looking at me. At first I thought he just thought I was hott or something, but the looking got a little out of hand. So then he left... Then he came back... Still looking... So then I had to go to work. I got up, pushed in my chair and turned to leave. When I turned I heard this guy get up. He was watching me while I was getting ready to leave... So I was pretty freaked at this point. I decided not to turn around, but to just keep walking. I was thinking of a way to make him not behind me anymore so I thought I'd go into java city and see if he would pass by.... Well, when I got to the entrance of java city I realized no one was in there and that I'd have no way out if he followed me in there. So I kept walking... I put my keys in between my fingers so I had some kind of chance of defending myself. At this point I was very concerned. As I walked outside I looked behind me and saw he was watching me. I prayed... "God please protect me". Then the guy was gone, I couldn't see him anymore. I got in my car as fast as I could. While I was driving I saw him walking by the road. I looked at him as I drove by, it was very erie as he looked right back at me. Then he started running towards my car/in the same direction I was going. I have no idea who this guy was and whether he was upset and needed a friend/help and didn't know who to go to (I almost turned around to see cause I started feeling bad for him... He kinda looked like he had been roughed up or something that day) or if he was just a guy who wanted to do something weird to someone. Nevertheless my eyes are out for this guy. It will be interesting to see if I ever see him again.

The Search for Love

It's funny how we look for love. It boggles my mind how so much we can fall for someone we don't even know just because they have nice hair and teeth, a cute laugh, or a special talent. And it's funny how we can drop that person in a second and find someone with better hair, teeth, laughs and talents. What really is for sure around here anymore? How long will I oogle over potential husbands until I find the "right" one. How many times will I play my wedding over and over with different men?

It's strange how the human mind works, everyone can just conjure up whole worlds of possibilities with several different endings. I wonder how long it will take for me to know that "he's the one". How long will I doubt feelings of "rightness" until I just jump in there and ask the guy out, or until someone pursues me? Am I inevitably putting off marriage because I am too scared to just go for it? Because I am too scared I'll mess up?

Ok, right here and now I have decided to just mess up! I am going to just do stuff... just be me, and not worry who is watching. I am going to not worry about the "absolute right way to date" that the Christian community tries to pressure on it's young adults. It's all crap anyway, it's all mini laws that we make up so we can feel justified, so we can compare ourselves to every other Christian and make sure we're doing better. I don't think that's what Jesus intended and I am not going to support it any longer. Obviously I am going to have some sense about my actions, and absolutely am I going to ask God for guidance and direction before I go to do anything.... but bottom line is I don't think there is any right way to date, any right man, any amount of time I should wait before doing this or that, any stupid human measurement to tell me if I am on the right track.... I am just going to live knowing that I am justified by Christ's sacrificial death, I am free from the law, and I am not going to carry those laws around with me anymore. Goodbye Law, hello righteousness!!!

What you have just been exposed to are my thoughts, raw and unedited. I just plopped them on the screen with no inhibition. All of what I just said is subject to change. Well, except the truth about Jesus dieing a sacrificial death and me being freed from the law and declared righteous in God's eyes. And oh, that whole bit about the laws that we all make up to make ourselves feel better... that's all rock solid too... So... yeah everything else could be subject to change.

Today is a funny day. I have been happy, joyful, sad, mad, unmad, tired, and excited all in a few hours... I guess it's a "full" day.

This weekend I am going to Genesis. For those of you who don't know it's the Spring Conference for InterVarsity Christian Fellowship (a group that I am a part of at school). Anyway this year the seminars are on Chapter Building! It should be pretty darn awesome. I think there are seven of us going, which is less than I would have hoped, but the group that is going is fun.

This BLOG is getting long, so I am going to stop.

Doughnuts from the DownUnder

Right now I am eating a doughnut from the DownUnder and I have to say it is one of my favoritest places to obtain such a snack. There is just something about the cream filled ones.. the cream is soooo creamy and the dough has such a good flavor. Amazing really how wonderful they are.

So it's been too long since I have written and my friends sara and joylynn are probably on the verge of sending me a nasty letter saying "if you don't tell me what is up in your life I am going to send you a piece of explosive mail!!". so to avoid laura from getting hurt (since she checks the mail) I decided to write and update.

My Spring Semester has just started... acctually it's already week three!! WHOA! I am taking 18 credit hours, so my plate is quite full. I am enjoying my classes for the most part, but i know there is more work to come... a lot of hard work. But for now i am enjoying the begining of semester. I have two 500 level courses which are not exciting at all, but oh well!

I'd like to take a moment to show you all something that is just wrong. click here: http://www.spoonsisters.com/Merchant2/merchant.mvc?Screen=PROD&Product_Code=36301&Category_Code=1004000&Product_Count=28
If any of you want these or know someone who would you or that person should be taught a lesson.

Ok, back to me... Today I have to study for my first test.... ew! Then I have a dinner date with miss Tricia.

Things I have been thinking about:

The way Christians create almost an alternate world with laws and rules to follow that don't really matter
Where I am going to do my internship: if I go home... well... I am home and if I stay in Mt. P. then I can't work with kids as there is no opportunities anywhere close.
My summer: where am I going to work, how am I going to have fun?

I am currently reading the series by lemony snicket A Series of Unfortunate Events. I am now nearly finished with book 3 and I am longing to be on book 11 so I can know what tee hee sniggle means! (Krista keeps saying it, but won't tell me!!)

I am going home this weekend to be with Sandy, John, Maria, and my grandparents. It should be a splendid time!

Well, I'm outie! PEACE!

It's Official

My Christmas break has offically started. As of 10:50 this morning I am free to be without class obligations for 3 whole weeks. I am very very happy!

I will be spending my break up here at school babysitting for Dorothy once again this year. They are having a rough time, so I hope I can bring some Christmas cheer to the family.

I go home this weekend to have the Noll family Christmas. I am in charge of a fruit platter with dip!! i am looking forward to making it.

On Friday I am Krista's date for Brenda Brakes wedding. It's going to be good. I hear we get really tastey food!

I am still not sure what I want for Christmas. I think I will look online and get some ideas. The only thing I can think of it an air purifyer and maybe a couple movies or something. My mom is taking me shopping to get some nice clothes. It will be good to have some stuff I can wear in the winter... I need some nice sweaters so I stop wearing my sweatshirts. Jeans are on sale at Target so I might ask for a few pair!

Today I ate a ranch burger. MMMMMMM! I love ranch. I thought I hated it until about a year ago when I went to Outback Steakhouse and tried their ranch on cheesey fries. Now I am in love with it. Well, maybe not in love, but I like it a lot.

Ok, I am off to see what I want for Christmas!! bubberoo!!!

note to Sara: I am on a computer that for some reason doesn't give me the option to make my words pretty colors and bold them. You'll have to be creative and add emphasis as necessary!

The End of the Semester as we Know it!

Hello folks. It's the end of what has been a long and laborious semester. I am so exhausted.

I still have one more week to go, a week of finals. All of my tests are probably going to be very hard and I don't know how well I'll do on them. I am learning, which is good... Just not testing well.

Although it will be a week of stress it will also be a week of fun. I will be hanging out with my friends and stuff, which should prove to be good times.

Although fun it is going to be sad. Some of my friends are leaving. Laura is going back home to student teach, Ryan and Sara are going to Minnesota... It's going to be tough. Living with Laura has been great and we are buddies more than I could have imagined before. I have grown close to Ryan and especially Sara since I have been here. It's going to be weird to not see them around. I think I will cry a lot. Yeah, I am sure I will.

Tonight I am frustrated because I don't understand the material for my exam tomorrow. It's a sociology class. I can find the answers in the book, but I don't know what they mean necessarily. So I feel dumb and discouraged most of the time I have spent studying so far.

I am looking forward to sleeping. And then getting up in the morning and going to church and laughing at the kids do their cantata, and then going to a surprise shower for Megan. It's going to be a blast. Oh, then I get to watch Survivor too! It's the season finale, so you better tune in!! 8-11 pm tomorrow!!

I hope all those who I haven't talked to in a while are doing good. I miss my Goodrich peoples, and Joylynn, and Family too. Oh Bubby, how I miss you!!! I want to kiss your cheek!!

Ok, I am signing off for now!! See ya lata!!

Georgia

Georgia is a very pretty place... Well, Atlanta and the path from Atlanta to Gwinnet is all I saw, but it was still nice.

I went to Atlanta for a church conference called catalyst. It is a conference started by John C. Maxwell for the future leaders of the church. I got to hear a lot of inspirational speakers, and important people. I also got to walk around and visit a variety of different booths that had lots of free stuff and brochures. The price of food was outrageous, and I had a fun time with some traveling troubles, but overall the two days I was there rocked. I went to a Third Day concert where Toby Mac opened. I have not words to describe how cool it was. I felt so close to God there in that arena... Ah, it rocked!!

I just saw a guy I used to like (we kinda dated in that we hangout with purpose) who was using me as a rebound holding hands with another girl... it has only been three weeks since he told me he didn't want to pursue anything with me and that he still needed to get over his girl friend of four years that he had before me. hmmmm.... funny how "quickly" things like that can happen.

Anyway, that is not really important, it just happened a few seconds ago and instead of raging inside I decided to just let go by typing it to all of my readers.

I had a really laughable stressful time in the doughnut shop this last Saturday. I ended up ruining lots of doughnuts and we sold out, and I ended up working for like ten hours starting at 7:7:00 Am with one 30 minute break at around 3:30. I thought I was going to explode from working my brain so hard to try and think of a way to get everything done in the heat of the moments, but I made it out alive and all I can do now is chuckle at my misfortune! LOL!!

Woooooo! I am going to go hang out with my super cool friend Michelle and maybe Tricia too! They are the cutest little babes I ever did see. Ok, shout to ya'll LATA!!

The Edge!

This weekend InterVarsity went on our annual retreat to the upper penninsula in Cedarville Michgan at a place called Cedar Campus.

It is a beautiful place to meet with God, learn, and have fun and bonding with friends. The air is crisp and fresh and the water is beautiful.

It wasn't a typically Cedar Campus weekend for me, but it was still great. I hung out with new people and made new friendships.

The first night Megan and I hosted a girlie night in our room. Tricia was staying with us too, and she let us use her bed for a station too. We called it Sister (Me) and Cookie's (Megan) Spa of Love! We set up stations all around the room for manicures, peticures, facials, and sensual MAssages. Most of the girls came and enjoyed the fun. Megan... I mean Cookie and I talked in our Russian accents (I think it's Russian anyway). We put our hair up and put on lots of makeup. It was very enjoyable! I got to scrub everyone's faces which brings you closer to a person for sure!

The second day was full of excitement. There was a fall off a one-story rock that involved a tree and a very swollen elbow, an engagement, a baptism, and Salvation for one of our group members! It was indeed an eventful day, full of action! There was a party in Heaven and I was priveldged to be part of the excitement here on earth when Chris decided to accept Christ. I will never forget that day.

It was good to be back at Cedar Campus once again for a weekend. The food was good, and so was the weather. The new people in InterVarsity are totally awesome and I love them already!

Oh, regarding my last post... I was having a hugely crappy day. I have been getting better ever since I posted, but life is still weird. I don't know what's going on, but my mind seems to be going in thrity directions at once.

Thank you for all of your prayers.

Post you soon!!

Take me away

I feel as if I a floating in a place I don't belong. I want to sleep all day long, crawl in a hole and only emerge when I have to. I feel so happy at times and into things here and then I feel so disconnected.

I feel sick. I can't eat without feeling sick. My head hurts. I just want someone to hold me.

I am thirsty for God's healing, but can't quite reach out to grab it. I am stuck.

Even now my eyes are drooping, and my head feels heavy though I just woke up two hours ago.

My life seems useless. My purpose is failing me. I don't know where to go or what to do. This is so weird.

I can't bring myself to study hard. Everytime I start I end up finding something else to do. It doesn't make sense. I like my classes.

I miss the baby and Sandy. My heart often longs to be with them. I miss seeing Megan... we are both in the same town yet so busy. The few times we have hung out have been recently and have been wonderful. I want more of those times.

I miss Joylynn.

I have to take a test in twenty minutes and I have no idea how I'll do on it. Good thing we get to drop our lowest grade.

So, this is why I haven't updated... didn't want a depressing scene.

For any of my lovely praying friends, if you could pray for my strength, motivation, self worth, and passion I would greatly apprieciate it. I am desperate for God's healing touch.

CMU HERE I COME!

Well, I am moving back to school on Wednesday. I am very excited, but also kind of sad. I will miss Subway and the girls there. I will miss Sandy, John, and the baby Maria. I have made good friends, and Maria and I have bonded sooo much this summer. It's been great.

I am looking forward to InterVarsity, and seeing my friends from school again though. And I think living with Laura and Danielle is going to be a blast! And I am so looking forward to having a regular schedule where I do the same thing every week, and there are always people around, and responsibilities to take care of. This summer has been super easy for me as far as that goes, so I am looking forward to the challenge of the school year.

I am taking some harder classes like Abnormal Psych, Social Problems, and some specific therapeutic rec. Classes, and also a pre-internship class. It should be a fun semester with lots of studying :( but also lots of game playing :D (in my rec. Classes!).

I will also miss my brother because he has been not around very much this summer either! And my Dad too. I can probably compile the amount of time I have seen him into about three days/72 hours tops. Wow, that is not very much. He was up north for most of the summer, and usually it worked out that the few days he was home I was not. I like my Dad, I wish I could have seen him more this summer.

That is the end of my pre-junior year story. I can almost smell the Mt. Pleasant air right now!

A trip to Canada

Tuesday and Wednesday I went to Sarnia Ontario. The purpose of my trip was to meet with two lovely ladies, Amy and Krista. While I was there I got to see the whole family including 2month old Emily (who since she was premie is now unofficially a newborn) She is very squishy and little still. She is nice. I also got to see the famous Becky Swab. I like that girl, she is cool.

We got to go under the Bluewater bridge and see some boats and a freighter go by. Plus we played a silly rock throwing game which we made up ourselves.

Our trip home was good and had a great stop at Wendy's.

When I got home I watched "As Good as it Gets" and ate strawberries.

Then I got online and chatted for while. Then my stupid computer kept kicking me off... As I was trying to get it working my phone rang. It was Justin.

Justin and I talked for a while. I sat outside on my front porch until I heard a pack of coyotes howling across the road. Scared for my life and very tired at 1:00am, I let him go and ran inside.

Then I did my quiet time and went to bed. I don't remember my dreams, but I am sure they were weird.

So now I am talking to you here.

And then I stopped.

A plethora of thoughts and activities

Since I have last written I bought a car, went to Canada, had a great time hanging out with God under the stars, went to a few Bible Studies, and Something Thursdays... hmmm... Worked at Subway a lot, yup, that's about it!

God is good, and I am grateful, AMEN!