Today I went in for a root canal. It didn't happen because the endodonist said that I should wait until I can do the procedure all in one day. I didn't understand exactly how he was planning on doing the procedure, and the secretary didn't really explain that to me, so I was feeling kind of annoyed that it was scheduled that way in the first place.
ANYWAY, that's not what I am here to write about. I am writing because the secretary lady there made me feel like a vile piece of crap. The Endodontist was very kind and said the ladies at the front would work with me on paying for the procedure (mind you after this I also have to go to the dentist to get a crown put on it). The lady at the front was cranky with me. She looked at me like I was the scum of the earth. She asked me if I could pay half of the charge up front. I said yes even though I knew even the $530 would be too much. I felt ashamed that I couldn't pay. So then, she asked if I wanted to pay the rest in a couple of months. I told her that if I had to pay half up front that it would take me a while to pay the rest. She asked how much I could do. I said, "About $50ish a month". She just stared at the paper with a look of shock and dismay. She pulled out her calculator and made a scoffing noise saying, "Well, that's going to take you a long time to pay off". The whole thing was just horrible. Her body language and tone, the way she looked at me... it all just made me feel like I wasn't good enough to be standing there with her.
My feelings are that if you are going to ask some one what they can pay, then don't be surprised at the answer-- or if you are at least hide it so that the person doesn't feel crappy. I tried to talk to my boss about how I was feeling about the money, but he doesn't get it either. He told me to call my parents... HA! He has no idea. I tried to tell him that they don't have any money. He said some crap about how that's what they make you think, but really they have money set aside for this kind of thing. He really has no idea. That just made me more frustrated.
The feelings I feel right now have no description-- my tears speak for me today as my words cannot.
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Sunday, July 22, 2007
All I want to say
I was listening to Sara Groves while cleaning my kitchen and the song, "What Do I Know" came on. in this song it talks about Heaven, and not knowing all the details, but knowing for sure that being in heaven is being with the Lord and how great that would be. Part of this song struck me though, while I was sweeping the kitty litter and dust from my floor. For some reason the line brought tears to my eyes;
She lost her husband after 60 years
and as he slipped away,
she still had things to say
I was overwhelmed with the thoughts that I still had things to say to people in my life. I have things to say to many people, but I simply don't take the time to say them. I put it off, and it's added to the giant list of things I need to tell the people I love... someday. It saddened me that I could lose a friend without getting to say to them what I appreciate or love about them or share a favorite memory with them. Why do we not tell the people in our lives how much they are part of our hearts and minds? Why is it that it feels risky to tell some one what we cherish about them, or why does it feel like work? These things I don't understand. What I do understand is that if I don't say a few things to some people in my life I will regret it later. Will knowing this change my behavior??
She lost her husband after 60 years
and as he slipped away,
she still had things to say
I was overwhelmed with the thoughts that I still had things to say to people in my life. I have things to say to many people, but I simply don't take the time to say them. I put it off, and it's added to the giant list of things I need to tell the people I love... someday. It saddened me that I could lose a friend without getting to say to them what I appreciate or love about them or share a favorite memory with them. Why do we not tell the people in our lives how much they are part of our hearts and minds? Why is it that it feels risky to tell some one what we cherish about them, or why does it feel like work? These things I don't understand. What I do understand is that if I don't say a few things to some people in my life I will regret it later. Will knowing this change my behavior??
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Dream Land
Ok, so lately I have been having very vivid and strange dreams. This happens to me often, but sometimes, like last night they are extreme.
Dream #1 I was driving in a city on an empty expressway. I remmeber at some point that the city was Flint, MI. All of a sudden the car in front of me stopped and so I stopped behind them. Why I didn't go around, I'm not sure. A man got out of the car with a boy. There was another person, who I assumed a man in the drivers seat.
The man outside my car was positioned so I could see him out of my passenger door and the boy, who was wearing a navy blue t-shirt was by my right headlight and I was looking at him through my windshield. I thought in the tension of us all staring at one-another, "Gee, this seems like it could be a bad situation, I could be in danger", then I quickly thought, "Why do you always have to be scared of things like this, just chill out, it will be ok."
At that moment the man pointed to me. The boy taking his que, looked at the man and pointed at me as well. I was thinking, "oh crap, this is not good." The boy pulled out a gun and walked around to the side of my car. I had no escape, but I jumped head first over to the passenger side, to try and avoid a fatal hit. The bullet went in my left thigh and into my stomache. I remember the pressure and heat I felt from the bullet going in. Then I felt blood seeping out. I remember thinking, "Maybe if I pretend I am dead they will go away." I was really still, but I remember the blood coming out and feeling light headed/pressure in my head cause I was practically up-side-down. Then I woke up.
It took me quite a while to recover. I sat up for a while quite frightened and disturbed. I kept seeing the boys face/ sillohuette in my mind, kept seeing him pointing at me and remembered the fear I felt when I was dreaming. I tried to get back to sleep, as it was 3:30 and I wanted to get a in few more hours before the light came into my room. I said outloud, "Jesus, please help me."
I fell back to sleep quite quickly as I do not recall staying up too long. Sometime after that another dream began. This one has a lot of details that I won't write here because they don't matter to the big picture.
Basically, there was a helicopter. I was in it flying over the ocean and a stell structure hanging out into the ocean that had the house that I apparently was living in. I think we were on some resuce mission because for some reason i feel like we were tryin to save people/I was being saved. ANYWAY, the helicopter lost control and I had to jump from it onto the structure. During the jump we lost a lady. She went into the water. We were trying to find her but couldn't. We were looking down into the water. Suddenly a killer whale jumped out of the water and onto the platform where i was standing. It was facinating. He/she wanted to play/interract. It was just like at the shamoo show. I pet it head and it swam/flopped back into the ocean. More and more whales came around and kept taking turns coming up to the platform. It was amazing. I remember feeling at peace and comforted. I felt connected to the whales. I remember looking at the teeth, but not being afraid. I woke up after a while.
I don't know what any of this means, if anything at all. I feel like it's symbolic though... possibly both dreams together. I do know that when I woke up I wanted to work with killer whales. I think secretly I always have, but I have secretly wanted to do a lot of things.
Anyway, that's all on that.
Dream #1 I was driving in a city on an empty expressway. I remmeber at some point that the city was Flint, MI. All of a sudden the car in front of me stopped and so I stopped behind them. Why I didn't go around, I'm not sure. A man got out of the car with a boy. There was another person, who I assumed a man in the drivers seat.
The man outside my car was positioned so I could see him out of my passenger door and the boy, who was wearing a navy blue t-shirt was by my right headlight and I was looking at him through my windshield. I thought in the tension of us all staring at one-another, "Gee, this seems like it could be a bad situation, I could be in danger", then I quickly thought, "Why do you always have to be scared of things like this, just chill out, it will be ok."
At that moment the man pointed to me. The boy taking his que, looked at the man and pointed at me as well. I was thinking, "oh crap, this is not good." The boy pulled out a gun and walked around to the side of my car. I had no escape, but I jumped head first over to the passenger side, to try and avoid a fatal hit. The bullet went in my left thigh and into my stomache. I remember the pressure and heat I felt from the bullet going in. Then I felt blood seeping out. I remember thinking, "Maybe if I pretend I am dead they will go away." I was really still, but I remember the blood coming out and feeling light headed/pressure in my head cause I was practically up-side-down. Then I woke up.
It took me quite a while to recover. I sat up for a while quite frightened and disturbed. I kept seeing the boys face/ sillohuette in my mind, kept seeing him pointing at me and remembered the fear I felt when I was dreaming. I tried to get back to sleep, as it was 3:30 and I wanted to get a in few more hours before the light came into my room. I said outloud, "Jesus, please help me."
I fell back to sleep quite quickly as I do not recall staying up too long. Sometime after that another dream began. This one has a lot of details that I won't write here because they don't matter to the big picture.
Basically, there was a helicopter. I was in it flying over the ocean and a stell structure hanging out into the ocean that had the house that I apparently was living in. I think we were on some resuce mission because for some reason i feel like we were tryin to save people/I was being saved. ANYWAY, the helicopter lost control and I had to jump from it onto the structure. During the jump we lost a lady. She went into the water. We were trying to find her but couldn't. We were looking down into the water. Suddenly a killer whale jumped out of the water and onto the platform where i was standing. It was facinating. He/she wanted to play/interract. It was just like at the shamoo show. I pet it head and it swam/flopped back into the ocean. More and more whales came around and kept taking turns coming up to the platform. It was amazing. I remember feeling at peace and comforted. I felt connected to the whales. I remember looking at the teeth, but not being afraid. I woke up after a while.
I don't know what any of this means, if anything at all. I feel like it's symbolic though... possibly both dreams together. I do know that when I woke up I wanted to work with killer whales. I think secretly I always have, but I have secretly wanted to do a lot of things.
Anyway, that's all on that.
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
I forgot to finish this post
So, I might have a lot to say...
Highlights of my life in the past week and a half are as follows:
- I had a week off of work!
- On my week off I went to MI and went to Sarah's wedding shower, drove a whole lot, spent time with my cousin Lisa, saw my Gma K., saw amazing fireworks, spent time with Megan and Jeff, went to an America's Next Top Model party, ate at Pita Pit and BW3s, and did more driving.
- When I came back to Palatine I was exhausted so I spent a day sitting on my bum playing Nintendo DS and watching episodes of House on itunes.
- I played a Double Header with the Willow team, and did pretty well in the game I pitched, although we lost both games.
This post started a while ago... I am now finishing it. Since my post I traveled once again to Michigan for Sarah's other wedding shower. It was a pretty good time, although I was having a break down for about 24 hours straight. My lips got chapped because I cried all my moisture out! Life right now seems uncertain, and it's uncertain why it feels that way to me. I have a lot of things racing through my mind, none of which seem to have a solution. The heaviness of my heart right now is weighing me down. I don't feel I have any one to turn to either; I don't know many people here that well. I miss a lot of things, places, and people right now. I'm trying to sort things out, but that takes time, and for me it takes talking.
My day today so far has been a good one. I have really enjoyed my time with Leah today. We went to Jamba Juice and the park after she got home from camp. She had me laughing!! She's fun. The rest of today should go by quickly, and I can return once again to my home for some cleaning/organizing/sorting/eating a brownie.
Leah, some time this spring
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