A Month...

Well, it's been just about a month since the last time I updated. Todays update is really just an outlashing of my emotional staus, which until today I thought was fine... maybe it's just a bad day, or maybe everything has just added up and I can't contain the fire.


**Note: The following chunk is me free-writing, do not be surprised if you find yourself shaking your head, thinking I'm irrational, or wondering if I am ok... This is the real me put out on the web, the real things I am thinking and feeling... as scary as they may sound, I'm not crazy, just desperate**
At this moment I want to throw in the towel... I can't go on. How am I supposed to figure out what I am to do with my summer let alone my life?? I'm in the wrong profession, wearing the wrong clothes, the wrong hair style, the wrong place and time, everything seems wrong. I am lost at what my role is in many situations that feel so big that they may crush me and more importantly the main players in said situations. I feel alone. I could talk to someone, but they won't care, and if they do care, they won't do anything, and if they would do anything they don't have time. My friends are good, but I don't have a clue on how to ask for their help. I feel like from some of them I'll know their answer, others I am afraid of their answer, and still others I don't know if they'd even answer. I want to run far away and live in a place where things don't happen like they do in America. I am stuck on so many questions.... like, Who and where is my spectrum of influence, how can I balance being in communion with God while in community with people, why does everyone always give me the crap line of "Just rely on God first, the rest will fall into place" ?? OK, I do believe that, but it seems like people use it as an excuse to not have to care. And how does the fact that God made us, designed us for community, to do all things together, have everything in common and sacrifice as the other has need? Other questions I want answers to: Why can't I do anything for myself, but I can do things for others, why do I feel lonely when I am sitting right next to a person I love, How do I embrace friendships the way God intends it? And, why do i live here, here in America? What does that mean for who I am to be for Christ? Oh, and why does everything seem complete, good, fruitful and glorious when I am doing it with a partner or group? I can't sleep, and I am starting to lose my appetite. I am scared to sleep because when I do I have horrible nightmares. I can't eat because I feel nausiated when I do. I want to live a full, productive, God glorifying life. God is teaching me so much right now. I want to take it all and put it into action. I really feel though that I can't do it alone, I can't just take control of all the "adult" responsibilities on my own and still have any motivation for living for God. It's all too much. Why is it too much?? That makes me feel lame! I need a friend, a friend that I can atleast count on to support me through all of this, not that I have to spend 5 hours a day with them, but to know that someone cares enough and wants the same from me, or at least feels comforted at the prospect of my willingness to serve and love them. I know I've had this before, but now it's gone. When I had it I was so much better at life. I was fun to be around, I was joyful, and fulfilled... Am I just being a sissy or are these feelings valid. It seems like the people who give me the advice of Rely on Only God and then he will bless you with people already have people... and I don't know that they relied on God first. UGH! I have so many things to do and I want to do them, but the practical things in my life get in the way.

This is Joshua 1:9 --- Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."
Boy do I ever need that verse right now. I am so terrified of living right now. And I most definitely need God with me where I go!

God, give me the strength to face the things that I need to, the things that suck and the things that are wonderful, even if it seems like I am doing them alone. I want to rely on you, and I have been, but maybe not enough... Let me not be jealous or covet what other people have in relationships, but rejoice in what I have with you. And, please bring me someone to satisfy these longings, these needs if it is your will. God I want to be awesome for you, but that task seems to huge for me to even think about. God shape me, hold me, use me! amen.