My life is taking a turn... I don't know for what... good or bad, slight or huge... but it's a turn none the less. I told you something was going to happen!!
Yesterday while talking to my dear friend Tasha I realized something:
I AM AT COLLEGE!! I HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO HAVE A TOTAL BLAST DAY AND NIGHT, DO CRAZY THINGS, LEARN A TON, BE A YOUNG ADULT WITHOUT A FULL-TIME JOB!!!!!!!!!!!
Tasha was talking about how she is being freed from all this stuff that she has been carrying around with her. She shared with me Luke 15... I was listening, I really was... but while she was talking I was coming to a realization. I need to pick myself up everyday, dust myself off and move on. I want to have fun and spend time with people, and do cool things. I hate how I have somehow become more unstable than I was before I came here to CMU. Maybe it's stress, but I never let "unfortunate or hard" things be an excuse to get me down before!!! I want my struggles to be stepping stones, my hurts to be spring boards for a better life, a deeper joy.
So, all in all I think the turn is something that could be huge, right now I am just taking it a day at a time. Which is what I used to do...
I am glad the sun is out today. At least it's sorta out.
Tonight I have small group, and then I will sleep.
Wednesday, February 16, 2005
Tuesday, February 15, 2005
The End
I wish this was the end... the end of something... so I could start something new, somewhere else. I want to get a new identity and go somewhere new where I don't have to be me anymore.
My car was crashed by a dear friend and because I took a risk, and couldn't afford full insurance on my car my dear friend and her parents are now thousands of dollars further into debt. I hate this. I want it all to just go away. I am trying to listen to the voice of reason, I am trying to let it go... but last night I couldn't.
A Night to Forget
I am black and blue because I had no way out
I couldn't run
I couldn't hide
I couldn't tell anyone
I tried, I tried to ask for help
There is no one on this earth to help
God was there, but I couldn't feel Him
I wanted to so badly, but I was hurting
Frustrated, angry, sad, worn out, pathetic
I couldn't run
I couldn't hide
I couldn't tell anyone
I am black and blue because I had no way out
---Liz---
I still want to run away, but as the day goes on I am feeling more and more like I want to stay, stay me, stay here... just go back to normal. God is bringing me people today that are showing His love for me, and I am grateful to Him for that.
Something is going to happen soon. I don't know what, but it's something.
My car was crashed by a dear friend and because I took a risk, and couldn't afford full insurance on my car my dear friend and her parents are now thousands of dollars further into debt. I hate this. I want it all to just go away. I am trying to listen to the voice of reason, I am trying to let it go... but last night I couldn't.
A Night to Forget
I am black and blue because I had no way out
I couldn't run
I couldn't hide
I couldn't tell anyone
I tried, I tried to ask for help
There is no one on this earth to help
God was there, but I couldn't feel Him
I wanted to so badly, but I was hurting
Frustrated, angry, sad, worn out, pathetic
I couldn't run
I couldn't hide
I couldn't tell anyone
I am black and blue because I had no way out
---Liz---
I still want to run away, but as the day goes on I am feeling more and more like I want to stay, stay me, stay here... just go back to normal. God is bringing me people today that are showing His love for me, and I am grateful to Him for that.
Something is going to happen soon. I don't know what, but it's something.
Monday, February 07, 2005
Back into action
This week I am determined to go to all of my classes. I have been trying to get at least 8 hours of sleep a night, but in order to do that I was skipping class. SO... I have decided not to look at the clock when I go to bed. I already knew this little trick, but never really use it. You see when I don't look at the clock and say to myself "self, you are going to get up when the alarm goes off ready for the day, refreshed and renewed" it usually works. For some reason if I don't know how many hours of sleep I actually got I don't know how tired I actually am. I'll let you know how the experiment works out.
Speaking of experiments, I have to do some research for my philosophy of Recreation, Parks, and Leisure course. Tonight my task is to write up the abstract. hmmmmmm... How does one do something like that? Guess I'll just do my best at BS-ing my way through it.
I'd like to give a shout out to my GB-study friends. I was just talking about how all of you rock, and I love spending time with you when I get a chance. I am looking forward to seeing you all again soon and living out my life as a musical as we act like fools breaking into song randomly. And I think we all need some of James' famous heartfelt lemonade. :)
.
So this weekend I went to Genesis. God blessed me and I think our whole chapter hugely there. Worship was great!! I love gospel! The seminar I attended got me really excited for things to come, and of course car rides and staying up, and giggling a lot made us all closer. I am glad I had the opportunity to go.
This week I have two tests and yeah... other stuff to work on. It should be a pretty productive week.
I have my mind on a lot of "things" so I hope that all works out ok.
Word!
A side note about my freaky life:
There is a good chance I might have been watched by this guy with creepy intentions last night around 9-10:15pm. I was at the library and this guy kept looking at me. At first I thought he just thought I was hott or something, but the looking got a little out of hand. So then he left... Then he came back... Still looking... So then I had to go to work. I got up, pushed in my chair and turned to leave. When I turned I heard this guy get up. He was watching me while I was getting ready to leave... So I was pretty freaked at this point. I decided not to turn around, but to just keep walking. I was thinking of a way to make him not behind me anymore so I thought I'd go into java city and see if he would pass by.... Well, when I got to the entrance of java city I realized no one was in there and that I'd have no way out if he followed me in there. So I kept walking... I put my keys in between my fingers so I had some kind of chance of defending myself. At this point I was very concerned. As I walked outside I looked behind me and saw he was watching me. I prayed... "God please protect me". Then the guy was gone, I couldn't see him anymore. I got in my car as fast as I could. While I was driving I saw him walking by the road. I looked at him as I drove by, it was very erie as he looked right back at me. Then he started running towards my car/in the same direction I was going. I have no idea who this guy was and whether he was upset and needed a friend/help and didn't know who to go to (I almost turned around to see cause I started feeling bad for him... He kinda looked like he had been roughed up or something that day) or if he was just a guy who wanted to do something weird to someone. Nevertheless my eyes are out for this guy. It will be interesting to see if I ever see him again.
Speaking of experiments, I have to do some research for my philosophy of Recreation, Parks, and Leisure course. Tonight my task is to write up the abstract. hmmmmmm... How does one do something like that? Guess I'll just do my best at BS-ing my way through it.
I'd like to give a shout out to my GB-study friends. I was just talking about how all of you rock, and I love spending time with you when I get a chance. I am looking forward to seeing you all again soon and living out my life as a musical as we act like fools breaking into song randomly. And I think we all need some of James' famous heartfelt lemonade. :)
.
So this weekend I went to Genesis. God blessed me and I think our whole chapter hugely there. Worship was great!! I love gospel! The seminar I attended got me really excited for things to come, and of course car rides and staying up, and giggling a lot made us all closer. I am glad I had the opportunity to go.
This week I have two tests and yeah... other stuff to work on. It should be a pretty productive week.
I have my mind on a lot of "things" so I hope that all works out ok.
Word!
A side note about my freaky life:
There is a good chance I might have been watched by this guy with creepy intentions last night around 9-10:15pm. I was at the library and this guy kept looking at me. At first I thought he just thought I was hott or something, but the looking got a little out of hand. So then he left... Then he came back... Still looking... So then I had to go to work. I got up, pushed in my chair and turned to leave. When I turned I heard this guy get up. He was watching me while I was getting ready to leave... So I was pretty freaked at this point. I decided not to turn around, but to just keep walking. I was thinking of a way to make him not behind me anymore so I thought I'd go into java city and see if he would pass by.... Well, when I got to the entrance of java city I realized no one was in there and that I'd have no way out if he followed me in there. So I kept walking... I put my keys in between my fingers so I had some kind of chance of defending myself. At this point I was very concerned. As I walked outside I looked behind me and saw he was watching me. I prayed... "God please protect me". Then the guy was gone, I couldn't see him anymore. I got in my car as fast as I could. While I was driving I saw him walking by the road. I looked at him as I drove by, it was very erie as he looked right back at me. Then he started running towards my car/in the same direction I was going. I have no idea who this guy was and whether he was upset and needed a friend/help and didn't know who to go to (I almost turned around to see cause I started feeling bad for him... He kinda looked like he had been roughed up or something that day) or if he was just a guy who wanted to do something weird to someone. Nevertheless my eyes are out for this guy. It will be interesting to see if I ever see him again.
Wednesday, February 02, 2005
The Search for Love
It's funny how we look for love. It boggles my mind how so much we can fall for someone we don't even know just because they have nice hair and teeth, a cute laugh, or a special talent. And it's funny how we can drop that person in a second and find someone with better hair, teeth, laughs and talents. What really is for sure around here anymore? How long will I oogle over potential husbands until I find the "right" one. How many times will I play my wedding over and over with different men?
It's strange how the human mind works, everyone can just conjure up whole worlds of possibilities with several different endings. I wonder how long it will take for me to know that "he's the one". How long will I doubt feelings of "rightness" until I just jump in there and ask the guy out, or until someone pursues me? Am I inevitably putting off marriage because I am too scared to just go for it? Because I am too scared I'll mess up?
Ok, right here and now I have decided to just mess up! I am going to just do stuff... just be me, and not worry who is watching. I am going to not worry about the "absolute right way to date" that the Christian community tries to pressure on it's young adults. It's all crap anyway, it's all mini laws that we make up so we can feel justified, so we can compare ourselves to every other Christian and make sure we're doing better. I don't think that's what Jesus intended and I am not going to support it any longer. Obviously I am going to have some sense about my actions, and absolutely am I going to ask God for guidance and direction before I go to do anything.... but bottom line is I don't think there is any right way to date, any right man, any amount of time I should wait before doing this or that, any stupid human measurement to tell me if I am on the right track.... I am just going to live knowing that I am justified by Christ's sacrificial death, I am free from the law, and I am not going to carry those laws around with me anymore. Goodbye Law, hello righteousness!!!
What you have just been exposed to are my thoughts, raw and unedited. I just plopped them on the screen with no inhibition. All of what I just said is subject to change. Well, except the truth about Jesus dieing a sacrificial death and me being freed from the law and declared righteous in God's eyes. And oh, that whole bit about the laws that we all make up to make ourselves feel better... that's all rock solid too... So... yeah everything else could be subject to change.
Today is a funny day. I have been happy, joyful, sad, mad, unmad, tired, and excited all in a few hours... I guess it's a "full" day.
This weekend I am going to Genesis. For those of you who don't know it's the Spring Conference for InterVarsity Christian Fellowship (a group that I am a part of at school). Anyway this year the seminars are on Chapter Building! It should be pretty darn awesome. I think there are seven of us going, which is less than I would have hoped, but the group that is going is fun.
This BLOG is getting long, so I am going to stop.
It's strange how the human mind works, everyone can just conjure up whole worlds of possibilities with several different endings. I wonder how long it will take for me to know that "he's the one". How long will I doubt feelings of "rightness" until I just jump in there and ask the guy out, or until someone pursues me? Am I inevitably putting off marriage because I am too scared to just go for it? Because I am too scared I'll mess up?
Ok, right here and now I have decided to just mess up! I am going to just do stuff... just be me, and not worry who is watching. I am going to not worry about the "absolute right way to date" that the Christian community tries to pressure on it's young adults. It's all crap anyway, it's all mini laws that we make up so we can feel justified, so we can compare ourselves to every other Christian and make sure we're doing better. I don't think that's what Jesus intended and I am not going to support it any longer. Obviously I am going to have some sense about my actions, and absolutely am I going to ask God for guidance and direction before I go to do anything.... but bottom line is I don't think there is any right way to date, any right man, any amount of time I should wait before doing this or that, any stupid human measurement to tell me if I am on the right track.... I am just going to live knowing that I am justified by Christ's sacrificial death, I am free from the law, and I am not going to carry those laws around with me anymore. Goodbye Law, hello righteousness!!!
What you have just been exposed to are my thoughts, raw and unedited. I just plopped them on the screen with no inhibition. All of what I just said is subject to change. Well, except the truth about Jesus dieing a sacrificial death and me being freed from the law and declared righteous in God's eyes. And oh, that whole bit about the laws that we all make up to make ourselves feel better... that's all rock solid too... So... yeah everything else could be subject to change.
Today is a funny day. I have been happy, joyful, sad, mad, unmad, tired, and excited all in a few hours... I guess it's a "full" day.
This weekend I am going to Genesis. For those of you who don't know it's the Spring Conference for InterVarsity Christian Fellowship (a group that I am a part of at school). Anyway this year the seminars are on Chapter Building! It should be pretty darn awesome. I think there are seven of us going, which is less than I would have hoped, but the group that is going is fun.
This BLOG is getting long, so I am going to stop.
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