In my life right now, I feel that I am in a time of change, of preparation, of transition, growth, and challenge. God is teaching me so much about who I am and how He loves, and how I should love and act in response to His plans and promises for me.
I just got off the phone with one of my dearest friends. She has seen me in some of my best and worst moments. We walked through the life stages of teenage girl to young woman together. I trust her with my deepest secrets and ugliest mistakes. I value her opinion and insight of my heart more than most anyone. At times she knows me better than I do.
Tonight, we were talking about this whole transition that I am going through. In short, I am on a journey to a healthier life; physically, emotionally, mentally, sexually, and spiritually. In the midst of all this change there is confusion. There are times I want to give up because my goals are never reached. I push my self to a level of crazy that no one should ever reach and then I give up because my expectations are too high. One of the most meaningful things she said in our conversation was pertaining to the idea that God has all of these good things he made for me; a huge stock pile of good and all I have to do is dive in and take what I like-- and all I have to do to take, is to give up the things-- things like setting unrealistic expectations and taking measures to reach a goal that isn't healthy. These things amongst others, are ugly and full of slavery even though they at times feel like freedom.
She gave me this illustration from a book called 8 cousins:
There was a little girl who lived with her father. Her father was very strict and stern and made her do a lot of things that are high expectations for a child. She had to sit still a lot, sew and read and do lessons much more than other children. Her father died and she was sent to live with her uncle and aunt. When she arrived there, she found that life was very different. One of the first being that she had 8 boy cousins-- you can probably imagine her shock. Secondly, things there were happy, good and loving and the girl was really sad and didn't know how to fit in here in her new life. Her uncle gave her a gift. He brought her a big box of colorful silks from China that she could sew and create with. The girl was so excited about them and wanted to use them right away. Her uncle told her that he would give her this gift as long as she not wear all black anymore, and she may/must play and act as a child, free from the slavery of trying to act as an adult. The girl had a sea of possibilities right in front of her that would give her joy as long as she turned from the things that she knew--- the things that were destroying her spirit.
My friend said to me, "I have this vision of you going through this box of silks that God has already prepared for you, and you are trying everything on". Also, that I would try everything on in freedom and look back and see the slavery I came from.
What a beautiful way to end a day. I really feel this is what God has for me. He has a store house full of the health and beauty that is already mine, but to see it I must walk away from the darkness of the world and into the freedom of letting God move in me and change me, to heal and restore me.
God is so good.
PS. Dear friend, if I forgot anything or quoted you wrong let me know. There is so much more I took away from our conversation, but this is one thing that stuck in my mind so strongly. Thank you for being my friend and for loving me.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Saturday, January 05, 2008
My 23rd Year
Well folks, my 23rd year of life is nearing it's end. In 6 days I will be 24. Craziness I tell you! If you would have asked me a few years ago where I would be at 24, my guess would have been quite different from reality. At 24 my mother was pregnant with me; which makes my longing for children and a family even stronger. I never would have thought that I would be living in a suburb of Chicago!
I am looking forward to a good year. Everything here is going really well and I am learning so much everyday. I am a part of a good community that is really doing excited things for God.
As this year of my life progresses I am praying that it will be one of growth and change. I want this year to be a year I make drastic changes in my life and strive towards passions and goals. I want this year to be a year to remember. Year 24-- here I come!
I am looking forward to a good year. Everything here is going really well and I am learning so much everyday. I am a part of a good community that is really doing excited things for God.
As this year of my life progresses I am praying that it will be one of growth and change. I want this year to be a year I make drastic changes in my life and strive towards passions and goals. I want this year to be a year to remember. Year 24-- here I come!
Thursday, December 06, 2007
It's Been a While
It's been a while since I've written, about a month I guess. I'm still here, and I will write more soon. For now I am going to enjoy my bed!!
It's Been a While
It's been a while since I've written, about a month I guess. I'm still here, and I will write more soon. For now I am going to enjoy my bed!!
Sunday, November 11, 2007
HEY! WHO TOOK MY RANCH PACKET????
Ok, so today I went to the store to buy a ranch packet and some beef to make ranch burgers. They are so delicious, and I love them. my trip seemed sucessful until I got home, got out all the ingredients, turned on the stove, and got ready to mix in the ranch. It was missing!! I checked everywhere! I even went back out to my car to make sure it hadn't fallen out of one of my bags.
I am pretty sure that the man in front of me at Jewel stole it. At Jewel they have a U-Scan that has a conveyor belt on it, the man in front of me was still bagging up a couple of items when I started to scan mine. I looked over to make sure he wasn't messin' with my goods. He looked a little suspicious, but I was sure he saw me eyeing him. I guess he really liked ranch.
I was very sad to have to make my burgers ranchless, but they were still pretty good. I ate them with mustard instead. I love mustard.
This evening I am watching some television and going to bed early. This week I am going to the dentist again for the 6th time in 2 months. I think this time I will be just getting a cleaning!
Other than that, my week will just be business as usual.
Hope everyone is good!!
I am pretty sure that the man in front of me at Jewel stole it. At Jewel they have a U-Scan that has a conveyor belt on it, the man in front of me was still bagging up a couple of items when I started to scan mine. I looked over to make sure he wasn't messin' with my goods. He looked a little suspicious, but I was sure he saw me eyeing him. I guess he really liked ranch.
I was very sad to have to make my burgers ranchless, but they were still pretty good. I ate them with mustard instead. I love mustard.
This evening I am watching some television and going to bed early. This week I am going to the dentist again for the 6th time in 2 months. I think this time I will be just getting a cleaning!
Other than that, my week will just be business as usual.
Hope everyone is good!!
Thursday, November 08, 2007
Friends
I am missing all of you, friends. I could list your names, but I fear that I would leave some one out on accident.
I love you and if you are not with me I miss you. Tonight I shed tears for you, and I can't wait until I see you again.
I hope you are well, and happy, and dancing about like fancy little fairies!
I love you and if you are not with me I miss you. Tonight I shed tears for you, and I can't wait until I see you again.
I hope you are well, and happy, and dancing about like fancy little fairies!
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Dreams
Something interesting and intriuging for me to ponder over in the past few days is this: I had a dream with scripture in it. Although I am not entirely sure yet what it all means, I do believe it means something. I think that God speaks to us or can, through our dreams.
The scripture is HOSEA 2 :20. This is the first time I have had a dream were when I woke up I knew I needed to look something up. The interesting thing is that underneath that scripture reference it said, The Lord's Word is Truth. In my dream I was supposed to speak on that topic with the scripture being my support. When I woke up to read it I found that it did indeed relate to me in a way I hadn't even realized I needed relating.
For those of you who don't know, Hosea was a prophet who was told by God to marry a promiscuous woman named Gomer. The book of Hosea is thought to be an allegory too about God's feelings about Israel at the time. The land had gone through a lot of kings all in a short period of time and most of the transitions involved a lot of bloodshed.
In Chapter 2 (I'd recommend reading it for yourself too in case I screw something up), God is talking about how horrible this woman Gomer is and how Hosea should basically throw her out. In the end though it is the change in Gomer (who symbolized Israel) that God wanted not her riddance. So, this brings me to 2:20 which follows a lot of descriptions of the place God will take in Gomer's life over the bad life she had before. "I will betroth you in faithfulness, and you will acknowledge the LORD. " Based on where I am and the dream, there are parts of this chapter including this verse that I think are related to both me personally and the family I work for. Everything before verse 20 I tend to think more of something related to me and verse 20-23 I think of my family.
If you find the time, give it a little read and pray for me. Pray for my clarity in gleaning what God would have me glean out of this passage, verse, and/or Book. Without dwelling on this scripture for two long I feel like God is telling me two basic things: He will fill me, and fulfill what I am longing for, AND Something about the fate of my family and how important it is that I am here. I also talked to Sarah about it who God had used this scripture to speak and heal her some a few years ago. She encouraged me to read the book, Redeeming Love, and so I think I will do that too.
The scripture is HOSEA 2 :20. This is the first time I have had a dream were when I woke up I knew I needed to look something up. The interesting thing is that underneath that scripture reference it said, The Lord's Word is Truth. In my dream I was supposed to speak on that topic with the scripture being my support. When I woke up to read it I found that it did indeed relate to me in a way I hadn't even realized I needed relating.
For those of you who don't know, Hosea was a prophet who was told by God to marry a promiscuous woman named Gomer. The book of Hosea is thought to be an allegory too about God's feelings about Israel at the time. The land had gone through a lot of kings all in a short period of time and most of the transitions involved a lot of bloodshed.
In Chapter 2 (I'd recommend reading it for yourself too in case I screw something up), God is talking about how horrible this woman Gomer is and how Hosea should basically throw her out. In the end though it is the change in Gomer (who symbolized Israel) that God wanted not her riddance. So, this brings me to 2:20 which follows a lot of descriptions of the place God will take in Gomer's life over the bad life she had before. "I will betroth you in faithfulness, and you will acknowledge the LORD. " Based on where I am and the dream, there are parts of this chapter including this verse that I think are related to both me personally and the family I work for. Everything before verse 20 I tend to think more of something related to me and verse 20-23 I think of my family.
If you find the time, give it a little read and pray for me. Pray for my clarity in gleaning what God would have me glean out of this passage, verse, and/or Book. Without dwelling on this scripture for two long I feel like God is telling me two basic things: He will fill me, and fulfill what I am longing for, AND Something about the fate of my family and how important it is that I am here. I also talked to Sarah about it who God had used this scripture to speak and heal her some a few years ago. She encouraged me to read the book, Redeeming Love, and so I think I will do that too.
Sipping Tea and Thinking
I am definitely thinking right now, but I am not sipping tea. I wish I were sipping on a chai tea latte (the only form that I enjoy) and sitting outside, but alas I am not.
Tonight I am going to a party at John and Kelly's. They are the hosts of the "Palatine table" I attend (basically a house group or cell group). The party is called BOO '07! I think I am going to make my face to say Boo with my mouth being the first O. My costume is... dah dah dah dah!!!! A Party in a Person!! This was inspired by dear Victoria, Sarah's youngest. She is two years old and is most definitely a party in a person. I am going to put streamers all over my body, wear a curly present ribbon in my hair, and put glitter all over!! It's going to be pretty sweet. Plus, there is an added bonus to my costume. I am also a Fairy!! I will be wearing wings. There's just nothing like being multifaceted on Halloween! At the party tonight we are playing DDR, which should be extra entertaining in our costumes!!
Things here have been going pretty smoothly. I am looking into a few options for living (place that is) right now, and one sounds particularly awesome. It's an opportunity for investment and building good credit. I am still very much in the beginning stages of research, but I will keep you all updated. I am pretty excited about it so far.
The kids are good. Samuel just turned 7 last Friday! It's crazy! A whole year has passed since I met him. When I met him he was just about to turn 6, so actually I've known him for three ages of his life! :) Leah has a little cold right now, but it doing well. She is very into testing to see how far she can push me, which isn't very much fun, but is definitely teaching me a lot.
Tonight I am going to a party at John and Kelly's. They are the hosts of the "Palatine table" I attend (basically a house group or cell group). The party is called BOO '07! I think I am going to make my face to say Boo with my mouth being the first O. My costume is... dah dah dah dah!!!! A Party in a Person!! This was inspired by dear Victoria, Sarah's youngest. She is two years old and is most definitely a party in a person. I am going to put streamers all over my body, wear a curly present ribbon in my hair, and put glitter all over!! It's going to be pretty sweet. Plus, there is an added bonus to my costume. I am also a Fairy!! I will be wearing wings. There's just nothing like being multifaceted on Halloween! At the party tonight we are playing DDR, which should be extra entertaining in our costumes!!
Things here have been going pretty smoothly. I am looking into a few options for living (place that is) right now, and one sounds particularly awesome. It's an opportunity for investment and building good credit. I am still very much in the beginning stages of research, but I will keep you all updated. I am pretty excited about it so far.
The kids are good. Samuel just turned 7 last Friday! It's crazy! A whole year has passed since I met him. When I met him he was just about to turn 6, so actually I've known him for three ages of his life! :) Leah has a little cold right now, but it doing well. She is very into testing to see how far she can push me, which isn't very much fun, but is definitely teaching me a lot.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Wondering
So last night I was reading through my posts from 2004. It's always fun for me to look back on my old entries. It's interesting because I get too feelings. I feel happy and reminicent of the good postings, and memories come flooding into my mind. On the sad or venting postings I really can't remember feeling the way that I did. I think when I am upset or unsure about how I feel about something writing really helps me defuse my feelings and figure things out. Either way I enjoy looking back.
While looking back I came across some comments from anonymous comments and laughed with confusion not knowing who they would be!!
Anyway if these are you, fess up! I wanna know who you are! It's been 3 years already! I can't take the mystery!! :) Here are the comments that I found particularly enjoyable:
Hey Lizzie!! So sorry to hear about your accident but much releived to hear you are okay. Its a good thing no one found you after the accident, took you home and pretended you were their dead spouse who deserted the military so you had to remain in hiding until a nice mofia man gave you a job to fly to Mexico where you saw your fiance from your former life, and made them cry but still didn't remember them. Tell everyone I say "Hi!" and I miss them and Chicago sucks so I'm coming back to Michigan in 2 months. Bye Liz!
Sorry to hear about your big blue cow. My personal opinion is that a big blue llama would definately become your friend and would treat your clean clothes respectfully...Anonymous at least to myself
Hope everyone is having a good day! I miss you guys!!
While looking back I came across some comments from anonymous comments and laughed with confusion not knowing who they would be!!
Anyway if these are you, fess up! I wanna know who you are! It's been 3 years already! I can't take the mystery!! :) Here are the comments that I found particularly enjoyable:
Hey Lizzie!! So sorry to hear about your accident but much releived to hear you are okay. Its a good thing no one found you after the accident, took you home and pretended you were their dead spouse who deserted the military so you had to remain in hiding until a nice mofia man gave you a job to fly to Mexico where you saw your fiance from your former life, and made them cry but still didn't remember them. Tell everyone I say "Hi!" and I miss them and Chicago sucks so I'm coming back to Michigan in 2 months. Bye Liz!
Sorry to hear about your big blue cow. My personal opinion is that a big blue llama would definately become your friend and would treat your clean clothes respectfully...Anonymous at least to myself
Hope everyone is having a good day! I miss you guys!!
Monday, October 22, 2007
I Could Pretend
As I lie on my couch, winding down for the night I thought of you.
I looked out my window and your face came to mind, and I considered the fact that I would like to be lying next to you; all cuddly and warm.
I could pretend that you were here, sitting by my side, loving on me, and making me laugh. You, saying everything without saying anything at all.
I could pretend that we were listening to music, staying up way too late; me wishing it would never end.
As I looked up at the purple hue that the light pollution provides, I am somehow comforted to know that we sleep under the same sky eventhough it seems that we are worlds apart; you doing your thing and me doing mine.
I never forgot, nor will I ever forget the times we had together. It all seems so mushed together, like it was so long ago and only yesterday all at once.
I could pretend that we are together. It's early morning and one of us is usually totally out of it, sleepy-eyed yet sweet. We would eat breakfast together and everything would be perfect. I would take in every moment just as precious as a breath of clean country air.
I could pretend that we are on the couch together, lying spoon-style, wrapped up in eachother. I would feel your heat and heart beat and you would inhale my smell and nuzzle your nose into my neck and kiss my head. How beautiful that would be.
When I look out into the sky tonite, against the black trees I see you and wish you were here or I were there.
I could pretend you are with me, but nothing is as good as the real thing.
Missing you today, as always. I love you friend.
I looked out my window and your face came to mind, and I considered the fact that I would like to be lying next to you; all cuddly and warm.
I could pretend that you were here, sitting by my side, loving on me, and making me laugh. You, saying everything without saying anything at all.
I could pretend that we were listening to music, staying up way too late; me wishing it would never end.
As I looked up at the purple hue that the light pollution provides, I am somehow comforted to know that we sleep under the same sky eventhough it seems that we are worlds apart; you doing your thing and me doing mine.
I never forgot, nor will I ever forget the times we had together. It all seems so mushed together, like it was so long ago and only yesterday all at once.
I could pretend that we are together. It's early morning and one of us is usually totally out of it, sleepy-eyed yet sweet. We would eat breakfast together and everything would be perfect. I would take in every moment just as precious as a breath of clean country air.
I could pretend that we are on the couch together, lying spoon-style, wrapped up in eachother. I would feel your heat and heart beat and you would inhale my smell and nuzzle your nose into my neck and kiss my head. How beautiful that would be.
When I look out into the sky tonite, against the black trees I see you and wish you were here or I were there.
I could pretend you are with me, but nothing is as good as the real thing.
Missing you today, as always. I love you friend.
Saturday, October 20, 2007
Enneagram
So I took this personality test today called an enneagram. it was very helpful and insightful into my personality. It only took me 10 minutes to answer the questions! i would reccommend taking this test if you haven't already. I have found the results to be frighteningly accurate. It is even a bit scary to see my fears right out there... made me even slighty defensive, so i know it's right! ha ha!! Anyway, take the test, it's fun and interesting!! And you can look up my type when you're done to find out all my secrets!
Main Type | Overall Self |
 |  |
Enneagram Test Results
Your variant is social |
When you are done taking the test go to www.9types.com. It has graphs and charts and descriptions to help better understand the results.
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Things I like to do
I felt like writing something, but I wasn't really sure what to write. So, I decided i'd be random!
This post was inspired by a song called I like hubcaps by Brak-- you can see his inspiring song here-- http://youtube.com/watch?v=xTBWwajwTZ0
Here are some things that I like to do...
This post was inspired by a song called I like hubcaps by Brak-- you can see his inspiring song here-- http://youtube.com/watch?v=xTBWwajwTZ0
Here are some things that I like to do...
- going for walks in the woods and going off the path to follow an interesting trail
- riding my bike, especially with friends
- riding trains
- moose traks ice cream, and double choc. brownies
- my grandparents
- playing softball
- going to new restaurants
- looking at pictures
- playing guitar
- singing
- dancing, and ddring
- playing video games
- swimming!
- talking on the phone and leaving long messages on voicemail
- playing on the computer
- puddle splashing
- cuddling and kissing and hugging
- tickle scratches and massages
- going to the movies
- NAPPING!!
- learning new things-- especially about people
- listening to music
- buying presents
- doing dishes
- cooking when I have a reason
- being silly
Stuff that I like...
- animals-- cats, dogs, dolphins, whales, hedgehogs, pigs, llamas, bunnies, fish, etc.
- shoes
- socks
- perfume
- candles
- pictures and artwork
- gadgets
- utensils
- pillows and blankeys
- Chia Tea Latte
more specific favorites:
- I love going for walks with a friend and talking and discovering. I like going on walks alone and pretending I am a naturalist; listening for sights and sounds, identifying plants and animals... I like the woods.
- I love sitting on the couch with a friend and cuddling up close to watch a movie, or just to sit and enjoy eachother.
- My favorite food is dill pickles, although I am now beginning to enjoy garlic stuffed olives. And I also enjoy yellow peppers from subway.
- I love buying a new pair of shoes and putting them on with just the right outfit.
- I enjoy so much to have my back scratched (on my skin)... ooo goose bumps!
- I like trying to cook new things and then having them turn out.
- My favorite thing to do with down time is watch a tv episode or two, followed by a nap and/or guitar.
- I LOVE sitting with people who are jamming on guitar or piano and just listening, letting the music envelope me like a blanket of peace.
- I like reading intense books; most likely true stories or memoirs, as well as youth novels and childrens story books.
- I love turning up my music and dancing around my living room, pretending I know how to do ballet or pretending I can shake my booty like a pro. What a show people would get if they peeked in my window.
- I enjoy going down to the beach at work and letting the wind hit my face, sinking my feet into the sand, and breathing in the almost clean air, imagining I am someplace else.
I wish I could say I like pinapple upside-down cake, but I don't... I am still wondering though, why it is upside-down!!
That's all for now folks, there will be more of my freakishness to come soon!
I likeTuesday, September 25, 2007
Mamma Had a Baby!!
GUESS WHAT!!!
I HAD A BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yes, HE is brown on the back and a light brown on the front with a handsome mother of pearl inlay around his... hole... uh... mouth?? Anyway, he has a long neck, 6strings and a electric hook-up. DA DA DA DAH!!! Presenting my new baby, Mitchell!!!
Isn't it lovely?? It feels so good in my hands too! It has a spruce solid wood top for those of you who are guitar buffs and has a lifetime warranty!! I am sooo happy to have this little treasure. I bought it last night from a Guitar Center my fingers are numb from playing so much... they still aren't used to it yet! i just can't seem to stop playing though... bring on the pain i say!!!
I HAD A BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yes, HE is brown on the back and a light brown on the front with a handsome mother of pearl inlay around his... hole... uh... mouth?? Anyway, he has a long neck, 6strings and a electric hook-up. DA DA DA DAH!!! Presenting my new baby, Mitchell!!!
Isn't it lovely?? It feels so good in my hands too! It has a spruce solid wood top for those of you who are guitar buffs and has a lifetime warranty!! I am sooo happy to have this little treasure. I bought it last night from a Guitar Center my fingers are numb from playing so much... they still aren't used to it yet! i just can't seem to stop playing though... bring on the pain i say!!!
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
If I Had a Dime
The title has nothing to do with my post, unless you can find some hidden meaning!
So, my life.... hmmm...
Softball is done and we ended the season with a big ZERO in our "wins" column. It wasn't even that we were that bad... some bad move or a couple bad innings in a game would screw us over. I am hoping for a better season next year! I know I will be practicing!!
I got Labor Day off so I went to MI for a "Martin Weekend"!!! it was really fun. Maria and I had sleep overs in her room every night. I got fed delicious home-cooked food and enjoyed time with Sandy too. I also visited with my grandma for a couple of hours. While I was there I went to my most favorite place to get breadsticks-- MC PHEES!! Oh my, I bought 2 dozen and froze them to take back with me. I've been enjoying them!
Since then life have been pretty much the same... I do have one new thing though! I am learning guitar!!! I started teaching myself one day after thinking about learning for a couple of years. It's fun, although my fingers are in pain!
So, my life.... hmmm...
Softball is done and we ended the season with a big ZERO in our "wins" column. It wasn't even that we were that bad... some bad move or a couple bad innings in a game would screw us over. I am hoping for a better season next year! I know I will be practicing!!
I got Labor Day off so I went to MI for a "Martin Weekend"!!! it was really fun. Maria and I had sleep overs in her room every night. I got fed delicious home-cooked food and enjoyed time with Sandy too. I also visited with my grandma for a couple of hours. While I was there I went to my most favorite place to get breadsticks-- MC PHEES!! Oh my, I bought 2 dozen and froze them to take back with me. I've been enjoying them!
Since then life have been pretty much the same... I do have one new thing though! I am learning guitar!!! I started teaching myself one day after thinking about learning for a couple of years. It's fun, although my fingers are in pain!
Saturday, August 18, 2007
Finger Lickin' Good!
Maybe this is weird, but I like to eat frosting out of the can... with a spoon... it's so GOOD!!! My favorite kind is rainbow chip, but I don't think they make that kind anymore so I am reduced to plain ol' vanilla. This is still satisfying, but there is just nothing like that rainbow chip!!
Today I am lounging half wishing I had something to do and some one to do it with, yet I am satisfied with playing around on the computer and relaxing for the day. It was a long week.
I tried the new mountain dew today, it is very tastey! It has an "invigorating blast of citrus cherry flavor". It is quite delightful. I think I need to stop consuming all this sugar before my teeth rot out and my heart fails. I guess the weekends can be for indulging though right??
Hmm... wow... my life sure is rockin'...
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Sucky
Today I went in for a root canal. It didn't happen because the endodonist said that I should wait until I can do the procedure all in one day. I didn't understand exactly how he was planning on doing the procedure, and the secretary didn't really explain that to me, so I was feeling kind of annoyed that it was scheduled that way in the first place.
ANYWAY, that's not what I am here to write about. I am writing because the secretary lady there made me feel like a vile piece of crap. The Endodontist was very kind and said the ladies at the front would work with me on paying for the procedure (mind you after this I also have to go to the dentist to get a crown put on it). The lady at the front was cranky with me. She looked at me like I was the scum of the earth. She asked me if I could pay half of the charge up front. I said yes even though I knew even the $530 would be too much. I felt ashamed that I couldn't pay. So then, she asked if I wanted to pay the rest in a couple of months. I told her that if I had to pay half up front that it would take me a while to pay the rest. She asked how much I could do. I said, "About $50ish a month". She just stared at the paper with a look of shock and dismay. She pulled out her calculator and made a scoffing noise saying, "Well, that's going to take you a long time to pay off". The whole thing was just horrible. Her body language and tone, the way she looked at me... it all just made me feel like I wasn't good enough to be standing there with her.
My feelings are that if you are going to ask some one what they can pay, then don't be surprised at the answer-- or if you are at least hide it so that the person doesn't feel crappy. I tried to talk to my boss about how I was feeling about the money, but he doesn't get it either. He told me to call my parents... HA! He has no idea. I tried to tell him that they don't have any money. He said some crap about how that's what they make you think, but really they have money set aside for this kind of thing. He really has no idea. That just made me more frustrated.
The feelings I feel right now have no description-- my tears speak for me today as my words cannot.
ANYWAY, that's not what I am here to write about. I am writing because the secretary lady there made me feel like a vile piece of crap. The Endodontist was very kind and said the ladies at the front would work with me on paying for the procedure (mind you after this I also have to go to the dentist to get a crown put on it). The lady at the front was cranky with me. She looked at me like I was the scum of the earth. She asked me if I could pay half of the charge up front. I said yes even though I knew even the $530 would be too much. I felt ashamed that I couldn't pay. So then, she asked if I wanted to pay the rest in a couple of months. I told her that if I had to pay half up front that it would take me a while to pay the rest. She asked how much I could do. I said, "About $50ish a month". She just stared at the paper with a look of shock and dismay. She pulled out her calculator and made a scoffing noise saying, "Well, that's going to take you a long time to pay off". The whole thing was just horrible. Her body language and tone, the way she looked at me... it all just made me feel like I wasn't good enough to be standing there with her.
My feelings are that if you are going to ask some one what they can pay, then don't be surprised at the answer-- or if you are at least hide it so that the person doesn't feel crappy. I tried to talk to my boss about how I was feeling about the money, but he doesn't get it either. He told me to call my parents... HA! He has no idea. I tried to tell him that they don't have any money. He said some crap about how that's what they make you think, but really they have money set aside for this kind of thing. He really has no idea. That just made me more frustrated.
The feelings I feel right now have no description-- my tears speak for me today as my words cannot.
Sunday, July 22, 2007
All I want to say
I was listening to Sara Groves while cleaning my kitchen and the song, "What Do I Know" came on. in this song it talks about Heaven, and not knowing all the details, but knowing for sure that being in heaven is being with the Lord and how great that would be. Part of this song struck me though, while I was sweeping the kitty litter and dust from my floor. For some reason the line brought tears to my eyes;
She lost her husband after 60 years
and as he slipped away,
she still had things to say
I was overwhelmed with the thoughts that I still had things to say to people in my life. I have things to say to many people, but I simply don't take the time to say them. I put it off, and it's added to the giant list of things I need to tell the people I love... someday. It saddened me that I could lose a friend without getting to say to them what I appreciate or love about them or share a favorite memory with them. Why do we not tell the people in our lives how much they are part of our hearts and minds? Why is it that it feels risky to tell some one what we cherish about them, or why does it feel like work? These things I don't understand. What I do understand is that if I don't say a few things to some people in my life I will regret it later. Will knowing this change my behavior??
She lost her husband after 60 years
and as he slipped away,
she still had things to say
I was overwhelmed with the thoughts that I still had things to say to people in my life. I have things to say to many people, but I simply don't take the time to say them. I put it off, and it's added to the giant list of things I need to tell the people I love... someday. It saddened me that I could lose a friend without getting to say to them what I appreciate or love about them or share a favorite memory with them. Why do we not tell the people in our lives how much they are part of our hearts and minds? Why is it that it feels risky to tell some one what we cherish about them, or why does it feel like work? These things I don't understand. What I do understand is that if I don't say a few things to some people in my life I will regret it later. Will knowing this change my behavior??
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Dream Land
Ok, so lately I have been having very vivid and strange dreams. This happens to me often, but sometimes, like last night they are extreme.
Dream #1 I was driving in a city on an empty expressway. I remmeber at some point that the city was Flint, MI. All of a sudden the car in front of me stopped and so I stopped behind them. Why I didn't go around, I'm not sure. A man got out of the car with a boy. There was another person, who I assumed a man in the drivers seat.
The man outside my car was positioned so I could see him out of my passenger door and the boy, who was wearing a navy blue t-shirt was by my right headlight and I was looking at him through my windshield. I thought in the tension of us all staring at one-another, "Gee, this seems like it could be a bad situation, I could be in danger", then I quickly thought, "Why do you always have to be scared of things like this, just chill out, it will be ok."
At that moment the man pointed to me. The boy taking his que, looked at the man and pointed at me as well. I was thinking, "oh crap, this is not good." The boy pulled out a gun and walked around to the side of my car. I had no escape, but I jumped head first over to the passenger side, to try and avoid a fatal hit. The bullet went in my left thigh and into my stomache. I remember the pressure and heat I felt from the bullet going in. Then I felt blood seeping out. I remember thinking, "Maybe if I pretend I am dead they will go away." I was really still, but I remember the blood coming out and feeling light headed/pressure in my head cause I was practically up-side-down. Then I woke up.
It took me quite a while to recover. I sat up for a while quite frightened and disturbed. I kept seeing the boys face/ sillohuette in my mind, kept seeing him pointing at me and remembered the fear I felt when I was dreaming. I tried to get back to sleep, as it was 3:30 and I wanted to get a in few more hours before the light came into my room. I said outloud, "Jesus, please help me."
I fell back to sleep quite quickly as I do not recall staying up too long. Sometime after that another dream began. This one has a lot of details that I won't write here because they don't matter to the big picture.
Basically, there was a helicopter. I was in it flying over the ocean and a stell structure hanging out into the ocean that had the house that I apparently was living in. I think we were on some resuce mission because for some reason i feel like we were tryin to save people/I was being saved. ANYWAY, the helicopter lost control and I had to jump from it onto the structure. During the jump we lost a lady. She went into the water. We were trying to find her but couldn't. We were looking down into the water. Suddenly a killer whale jumped out of the water and onto the platform where i was standing. It was facinating. He/she wanted to play/interract. It was just like at the shamoo show. I pet it head and it swam/flopped back into the ocean. More and more whales came around and kept taking turns coming up to the platform. It was amazing. I remember feeling at peace and comforted. I felt connected to the whales. I remember looking at the teeth, but not being afraid. I woke up after a while.
I don't know what any of this means, if anything at all. I feel like it's symbolic though... possibly both dreams together. I do know that when I woke up I wanted to work with killer whales. I think secretly I always have, but I have secretly wanted to do a lot of things.
Anyway, that's all on that.
Dream #1 I was driving in a city on an empty expressway. I remmeber at some point that the city was Flint, MI. All of a sudden the car in front of me stopped and so I stopped behind them. Why I didn't go around, I'm not sure. A man got out of the car with a boy. There was another person, who I assumed a man in the drivers seat.
The man outside my car was positioned so I could see him out of my passenger door and the boy, who was wearing a navy blue t-shirt was by my right headlight and I was looking at him through my windshield. I thought in the tension of us all staring at one-another, "Gee, this seems like it could be a bad situation, I could be in danger", then I quickly thought, "Why do you always have to be scared of things like this, just chill out, it will be ok."
At that moment the man pointed to me. The boy taking his que, looked at the man and pointed at me as well. I was thinking, "oh crap, this is not good." The boy pulled out a gun and walked around to the side of my car. I had no escape, but I jumped head first over to the passenger side, to try and avoid a fatal hit. The bullet went in my left thigh and into my stomache. I remember the pressure and heat I felt from the bullet going in. Then I felt blood seeping out. I remember thinking, "Maybe if I pretend I am dead they will go away." I was really still, but I remember the blood coming out and feeling light headed/pressure in my head cause I was practically up-side-down. Then I woke up.
It took me quite a while to recover. I sat up for a while quite frightened and disturbed. I kept seeing the boys face/ sillohuette in my mind, kept seeing him pointing at me and remembered the fear I felt when I was dreaming. I tried to get back to sleep, as it was 3:30 and I wanted to get a in few more hours before the light came into my room. I said outloud, "Jesus, please help me."
I fell back to sleep quite quickly as I do not recall staying up too long. Sometime after that another dream began. This one has a lot of details that I won't write here because they don't matter to the big picture.
Basically, there was a helicopter. I was in it flying over the ocean and a stell structure hanging out into the ocean that had the house that I apparently was living in. I think we were on some resuce mission because for some reason i feel like we were tryin to save people/I was being saved. ANYWAY, the helicopter lost control and I had to jump from it onto the structure. During the jump we lost a lady. She went into the water. We were trying to find her but couldn't. We were looking down into the water. Suddenly a killer whale jumped out of the water and onto the platform where i was standing. It was facinating. He/she wanted to play/interract. It was just like at the shamoo show. I pet it head and it swam/flopped back into the ocean. More and more whales came around and kept taking turns coming up to the platform. It was amazing. I remember feeling at peace and comforted. I felt connected to the whales. I remember looking at the teeth, but not being afraid. I woke up after a while.
I don't know what any of this means, if anything at all. I feel like it's symbolic though... possibly both dreams together. I do know that when I woke up I wanted to work with killer whales. I think secretly I always have, but I have secretly wanted to do a lot of things.
Anyway, that's all on that.
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
I forgot to finish this post
So, I might have a lot to say...
Highlights of my life in the past week and a half are as follows:
- I had a week off of work!
- On my week off I went to MI and went to Sarah's wedding shower, drove a whole lot, spent time with my cousin Lisa, saw my Gma K., saw amazing fireworks, spent time with Megan and Jeff, went to an America's Next Top Model party, ate at Pita Pit and BW3s, and did more driving.
- When I came back to Palatine I was exhausted so I spent a day sitting on my bum playing Nintendo DS and watching episodes of House on itunes.
- I played a Double Header with the Willow team, and did pretty well in the game I pitched, although we lost both games.
This post started a while ago... I am now finishing it. Since my post I traveled once again to Michigan for Sarah's other wedding shower. It was a pretty good time, although I was having a break down for about 24 hours straight. My lips got chapped because I cried all my moisture out! Life right now seems uncertain, and it's uncertain why it feels that way to me. I have a lot of things racing through my mind, none of which seem to have a solution. The heaviness of my heart right now is weighing me down. I don't feel I have any one to turn to either; I don't know many people here that well. I miss a lot of things, places, and people right now. I'm trying to sort things out, but that takes time, and for me it takes talking.
My day today so far has been a good one. I have really enjoyed my time with Leah today. We went to Jamba Juice and the park after she got home from camp. She had me laughing!! She's fun. The rest of today should go by quickly, and I can return once again to my home for some cleaning/organizing/sorting/eating a brownie.
Leah, some time this spring
Sunday, June 10, 2007
Thank You Blogthings
Well, after an intense softball game and enjoyable lunch with friends followed by a lonely few hours with only more lonely hours to look forward to until it's time to sleep, blogthings has made my life complete! After taking all the quizzes of intrest to me that I could in an hour I know all I need to know about me.
What I learned:
1. I am the middle finger and I should make friends with the index but stay away from the pinky.
2. I will have 2 true loves and my heart be broken 2 times... wondering what that means?? Does that mean both my true loves will end in disaster and I will be left sad and alone??
3. My lucky underwear color is blue.
4. I should weigh 145 pounds
5. I should not have passed 8th grade math; that's true!!
6. My elf name is Minty Fruit Cake
7. My pizza personality is Vegetarian (HA!)
8. I am an only child
9. I am white choclate, which is dissapointing because I was hoping to be dark
10. I am a grilled cheese sandwich, my best friend is the PB & J; my mortal enemy-- the HAM SANDWICH!! Dun dun dun!!
11. My Aura is blue, apparently the same as Angelina Jolie, Dahli Lama, and Oprah
12. Last but not least my "Love Song" is Wonderwall by Oasis... this is funny because I was just thinking back to a time I sang that song with a boy, and i was thinking about how much I liked that boy... funny...
That's all i can take! I can't do it anymore I am going crazy. Whoever invented all those crazy quizzes is cruel!! I just wanted to share with all of you all the great things I learned about myself... heh...
Oh, PS. I am only 44% American as well.
What I learned:
1. I am the middle finger and I should make friends with the index but stay away from the pinky.
2. I will have 2 true loves and my heart be broken 2 times... wondering what that means?? Does that mean both my true loves will end in disaster and I will be left sad and alone??
3. My lucky underwear color is blue.
4. I should weigh 145 pounds
5. I should not have passed 8th grade math; that's true!!
6. My elf name is Minty Fruit Cake
7. My pizza personality is Vegetarian (HA!)
8. I am an only child
9. I am white choclate, which is dissapointing because I was hoping to be dark
10. I am a grilled cheese sandwich, my best friend is the PB & J; my mortal enemy-- the HAM SANDWICH!! Dun dun dun!!
11. My Aura is blue, apparently the same as Angelina Jolie, Dahli Lama, and Oprah
12. Last but not least my "Love Song" is Wonderwall by Oasis... this is funny because I was just thinking back to a time I sang that song with a boy, and i was thinking about how much I liked that boy... funny...
That's all i can take! I can't do it anymore I am going crazy. Whoever invented all those crazy quizzes is cruel!! I just wanted to share with all of you all the great things I learned about myself... heh...
Oh, PS. I am only 44% American as well.
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