Nearly 48 hrs ago, I was staring down into my brother's grave; panicked and uncertain of what the next crucial moments would hold. Was my brother already dead? Was he waiting in the bushes to make a spectacle of his suicide? Was he somewhere nearby where we could save him? I hear my Dad say, "I looked in the trees to see if he hung himself," and shivers run up my spine. The fearful thoughts came so quickly and I could barely catch my breath, my hands shaking around my phone as I feverishly messaged my brother's friends to see if they had talked to him that day.
     An officer looked at us and said, "This is 10x what we deal with in the way of suicide. You need to prepare yourself that this could be really bad." I look back down at the grave and imagine my brother digging and have to shake back into the present moment. There is talk of a dog who may be able to get his scent and look for him. There are efforts to triangulate his location, when we get a text from him. He is alive, but won't tell us where he is. My heart races again as I worry about his girlfriend and if he is endangering her.
     We move away from the mosquito filled woods surrounding the grave to the parking lot at the front of the farm. I call my Mom and have to tell her that her son is in trouble; voice shaking, tears now making an appearance on my face. I start panicking again, only comforted by the chatter of the officer nearby who says they have my brother in custody and ar transporting him to the hospital.
     The rest of the night felt like a blur, mixed with uncomfortable interactions with my parent's significant others and my Mom and Dad seemingly unable to step outside themselves to see the situation with clear eyes. There is too much pain and dysfunction here. I stand there, with the world spinning around me, attempting to put out fire after fire. My brother is sweet talking the nurses and doctors claiming his sanity and will to live, admitting no problem other than the normal dose of needing to work on oneself. The gaping cavern between my parents sends dark smoke-like hands up, threatening to pull me down inside as I walk from one end of the hall to the other, being the peacemaker and message deliverer.
     A short time later, I am left with my brother- both parents leaving us behind; a familiar feeling. I am led to his room, where I see an empty bed with a crumpled blanket. I remember the grave and fear for his life again. A sigh of relief is released when he is found in the bathroom.
     I spend the next 3 hours watching my brother pace, mess with his vitals monitor, and pick at his IV and O2 monitor. Every time his body stills, it is followed by legs kicking rapidly and hands tapping. I can't help but think, "Is this what crazy looks like?" He rambles on about things and interjects a blaming statement toward my father and I  about how he got to this room whenever he gets a chance. I do my best to release it all, hoping that over time he will be able to see clearly.
     I know I can't stay all night, but also have to muster up the strength to leave him. I am fearful of walking out the door and losing him or making him feel abandoned. What if I leave and he never talks to me again? What if he doesn't come around and this is only the beginning of the end for him?
     Agitation and jittery kicking and tapping melt into frequent yawns and drooping eyelids. He contemplates pressing the button for the third time to inquire with the nurse about a second dose of sleeping meds. He says he wants to forget where he is.
     As he curls up on his side, I find myself gathering courage to walk toward the door. I gently rub his left shoulder, his back to me now. I tell him I love him and feel scared that he doesn't believe me. I can't protect my brother from the next hours and days and the reality of where he has found himself. I leave the hospital numb; nerves shot, heart broken, emptied out.
     The following day, I was left with the aftermath of the night before. I stayed with a gracious friend and spent the day battling my role and my tendency to take on more than is healthy for me within our family dynamic. I couldn't bare to take myself home yet. I couldn't face the green path that leads back to my brother's grave... a grave that is deep, dark, and menacingly staring at me with open threats.
     My head felt foggy and as if I could barely keep it up. My jaw and forehead ached. I couldn't express needs or even recognize them. All day I longed for quiet and undivided attention, but it never seemed to come... it just wasn't a day that lended itself to that. I tried to grip onto connection and clarity when I could. I did my best to not feel guilt over my sadness, but guilt lingered there with me like an old familiar friend.
     I pray that my brother's grave remains empty for many years. I pray that he finds peace and healing. I pray that our family could be restored. I pray that I would have clarity of mind and set healthy boundaries. May love overcome the evil of depressoin and addiction. May God rain down his mercy on all of us.
   

Dream about Lana

     I always dream in color with strange details and vivid images. There is usually someone morphing into someone else and I am usually experiencing the scene both inside myself as me and outside myself while still feeling my own emotions... this phenomena often seems to happen at the same time. I at times see numbers,  hear songs, or  have words that pop up in my dream and use them to help me find meaning (if there is any) in the morning. 

     

     My dreams have been a powerful proponent in my life and have helped me to sort out personal battles, given me inspiration into healing I didn't even know I needed, and prepare me to walk into situations in the future with a clear mind. Some days they mean nothing and other days are just what I needed to see or hear. They often allow me to step into another's shoes in order to provide encouragement or prompt me to say a prayer or reach out and say hello to and old friend. Today I am sharing a portion of a dream that seemed particularly meaningful to me about a woman named Lana. 

     

     During my dream there were many things that happened. One of which, was me reading a message from Lana's husband about some issues she was having with seizures. It was just a quick note to say that everything was ok; they were taking care of her and asking people to please not freak out or talk about it. In the dream, I take note of the message and think about how I can best be a support during this time. I decide I need to be a protector and make sure that I heed the messages request, but also be available if help is needed. 

     

     The dream then cuts to me with a bunch of kids. We are playing and building forts and playing pretend. As time goes on we end up playing outside in the park... either by walking there or magically transporting. :) I won't get into that whole portion, but towards the end of this scene I walk over to a car that is supposed to be taking the kids home before their curfew, as I wanted to make sure everything was set and they get home on time. As I turn back toward the park I see some commotion, and on the ground surrounded by a rectangle of chalk on pavement, Lana is having a full-blown seizure. I think to myself, "Oh crap, there it is" with a kind of calm yet urgent inner voice. There is some one behind her head keeping it from banging on the ground and I am running up just as the seizure is ending. As I go to her to talk with her, others start encircling the chalk rectangle that contains Lana and her shaken body. I feel torn because I feel like I am supposed to come near and encourage, but I don't want to be doing it out of panic or in a way that is not welcomed. 

     

     Lana's husband is standing at the foot of the rectangle just outside the chalk-line. I look toward him looking down at her; He is calm, yet concerned with the crowd. He gives me a little nod as to say it's ok for me to approach. I crouch down, Lana is sitting up now, and I ask, "Is there anything I can do for you?" She starts telling me a little about her seizures and that she is not sure why they keep happening. She looks discouraged yet strong… somehow these both come across in her… discouragement in her slightly slumped body, but determination in her eyes. Her face looks tired, almost as if she's had a stroke and some of her teeth have broken along the left side. She tells me that maybe if everyone calms down she can tell the story of what's been going on with her, and I see a little joy in her eyes and I assume she wants to share-- she wants to be able to tell people more. 

     

     Just as I look away from this flicker of joy, the crowd starts surrounding again, asking questions, some crying, some shouting... they've had to wait too long and are getting increasingly distressed. I stand to assess the situation and as I do, a nurse shouts loudly into the crowd, "Everyone needs to back up and give Lana some space! We will fill you in when the time is right and give you details on Lana's condition!" As I look back down to Lana she is starting to cry. I reach out my hand to her and she takes it as I help her stand. She is looking at the ground with tears welling in her eyes. I lean in and whisper into her ear, "That's hard isn't it?" She gives a little nod and I pull her in for a hug and just hold her and let her cry. 

    

     When I said, "That's hard isn't it?” I was talking about being in a position to not be able to talk for herself... others were doing it for her... the whole crowd was there throwing out ideas and questions, the nurse was claiming "we" will update you... which Lana knew wouldn't be and opportunity to share like she would’ve liked. As I was hugging Lana I got woken up by the morning sounds of the day, so I didn't get to talk further with her in the dream about how she was feeling. 

    

     As I lay in bed, I reflected on the dream and especially where it left off... trying be able to understand fully the emotions involved and unspoken words and if there was anything to be learned or understood for waking life. I felt like it was important to take both the beginning message and the last scene into account. There was a request for normalcy, there was a longing for genuineness, there was thirst to be known fully, and there was protection and also intrusion. There was a need for gentle understanding, for asking to be allowed in, and for support of emotions with comfort and reassurance. 

     

     I pondered on what a delicate dance life must be like for some one who is in Lana's position... she is a person who is known by many, but only deeply and safely known by some comparatively speaking. A life where secrets must be kept; not out of desire, but out of necessity. She has a journey that includes many eyes with many voices all butting in where they aren't invited... and for what? Curiosity? A lack of their own sense of self? Longing to be known and loved themselves? It is a curious position we humans put ourselves in; we have our own lives yet can become obsessed with others and think of their lives as our own. We can escape into alternate realities and be convinced it is the place we belong. 

     

     I hope that for Lana she feels joy today. That the people she wants to share with she does so, and it feels safe... that although the healthy balance of protection and uncovering at times possibly includes a thick fortress, she feels freedom... because freedom is found in safety. And joy can be found in all sorts of places, even those that are hard and stressful. I hope for the world that they can be loved in a way that is true and good and full of understanding grace as well as healthy boundaries and moments of filling up, so that each person can live fully and allow others do so as well. 

     

     May I take my own advice as well, and live in a way that is honoring to others and welcomes them in as well as making sure I am taking care of myself in good and healthy ways as to not drain life from those around me. May I ask when I am in need and give generously as I am filled to over-flowing. 

Be blessed Lana and all people of the world! Today is your day! Today has great opportunity for growth, learning, love and being loved. Soak it up!