Nearly 48 hrs ago, I was staring down into my brother's grave; panicked and uncertain of what the next crucial moments would hold. Was my brother already dead? Was he waiting in the bushes to make a spectacle of his suicide? Was he somewhere nearby where we could save him? I hear my Dad say, "I looked in the trees to see if he hung himself," and shivers run up my spine. The fearful thoughts came so quickly and I could barely catch my breath, my hands shaking around my phone as I feverishly messaged my brother's friends to see if they had talked to him that day.
     An officer looked at us and said, "This is 10x what we deal with in the way of suicide. You need to prepare yourself that this could be really bad." I look back down at the grave and imagine my brother digging and have to shake back into the present moment. There is talk of a dog who may be able to get his scent and look for him. There are efforts to triangulate his location, when we get a text from him. He is alive, but won't tell us where he is. My heart races again as I worry about his girlfriend and if he is endangering her.
     We move away from the mosquito filled woods surrounding the grave to the parking lot at the front of the farm. I call my Mom and have to tell her that her son is in trouble; voice shaking, tears now making an appearance on my face. I start panicking again, only comforted by the chatter of the officer nearby who says they have my brother in custody and ar transporting him to the hospital.
     The rest of the night felt like a blur, mixed with uncomfortable interactions with my parent's significant others and my Mom and Dad seemingly unable to step outside themselves to see the situation with clear eyes. There is too much pain and dysfunction here. I stand there, with the world spinning around me, attempting to put out fire after fire. My brother is sweet talking the nurses and doctors claiming his sanity and will to live, admitting no problem other than the normal dose of needing to work on oneself. The gaping cavern between my parents sends dark smoke-like hands up, threatening to pull me down inside as I walk from one end of the hall to the other, being the peacemaker and message deliverer.
     A short time later, I am left with my brother- both parents leaving us behind; a familiar feeling. I am led to his room, where I see an empty bed with a crumpled blanket. I remember the grave and fear for his life again. A sigh of relief is released when he is found in the bathroom.
     I spend the next 3 hours watching my brother pace, mess with his vitals monitor, and pick at his IV and O2 monitor. Every time his body stills, it is followed by legs kicking rapidly and hands tapping. I can't help but think, "Is this what crazy looks like?" He rambles on about things and interjects a blaming statement toward my father and I  about how he got to this room whenever he gets a chance. I do my best to release it all, hoping that over time he will be able to see clearly.
     I know I can't stay all night, but also have to muster up the strength to leave him. I am fearful of walking out the door and losing him or making him feel abandoned. What if I leave and he never talks to me again? What if he doesn't come around and this is only the beginning of the end for him?
     Agitation and jittery kicking and tapping melt into frequent yawns and drooping eyelids. He contemplates pressing the button for the third time to inquire with the nurse about a second dose of sleeping meds. He says he wants to forget where he is.
     As he curls up on his side, I find myself gathering courage to walk toward the door. I gently rub his left shoulder, his back to me now. I tell him I love him and feel scared that he doesn't believe me. I can't protect my brother from the next hours and days and the reality of where he has found himself. I leave the hospital numb; nerves shot, heart broken, emptied out.
     The following day, I was left with the aftermath of the night before. I stayed with a gracious friend and spent the day battling my role and my tendency to take on more than is healthy for me within our family dynamic. I couldn't bare to take myself home yet. I couldn't face the green path that leads back to my brother's grave... a grave that is deep, dark, and menacingly staring at me with open threats.
     My head felt foggy and as if I could barely keep it up. My jaw and forehead ached. I couldn't express needs or even recognize them. All day I longed for quiet and undivided attention, but it never seemed to come... it just wasn't a day that lended itself to that. I tried to grip onto connection and clarity when I could. I did my best to not feel guilt over my sadness, but guilt lingered there with me like an old familiar friend.
     I pray that my brother's grave remains empty for many years. I pray that he finds peace and healing. I pray that our family could be restored. I pray that I would have clarity of mind and set healthy boundaries. May love overcome the evil of depressoin and addiction. May God rain down his mercy on all of us.
   

Technology

People are so hungry and thirsty for love in this broken world. We are in an age where the now 20-30somethings come from a lot of divorce, substance abused, sexual assault, and general dysfunction. Then  as a society we became so intertwined with the internet that people created alternate universes for themselves. As much as I love the things I am able to do with the advancements in technology, and connection that the internet provides, I often wonder what freedoms; what genuine and meaningful experiences I am robbing myself of when I engage deeply in electronic life. I pray that I never get so swept up in it as to not be able to find my way out. May there always be daily "unplugging" in my life.

Robbed

So, I went ahead and tried to move forward with plans to get the heck outa this town. I have been thinking and praying a lot about moving to Oregon and I thought it would be a good idea to try and get a buddy pass to fly out on my winter vacation to check out some neighborhoods.

Now, I don't have much money to spare, so that's why I was going to go with the buddy pass option. I had previously purchased one off of craigslist and it went great! When I saw a new posting for a SWA pass for 180 bucks I was super excited.

My excitment was soon turned to despair after I put up half the payment for the ticket and was swiftly ignored by the seller; phone number blocked, hung up on when calling with private number, no response to texts or e-mails.

I feel so disappointed! I was so looking forward to being able to get out to Oregon and scope out a few places. Plane tickets at the cheapest are running at $522 from Chicago right now! UGH!

So, I lost $90 and learned a lesson, but it wasn't fun.

Feeling a bit discouraged, but still have hope that I will get the opportunity to go out there and so some research.

Catch and Release

It's the end of an era in my life and I couldn't be more thrilled! As summer is turning to fall here in Chicago, I am dreaming of when spring will turn to summer and I will be released into a new season of life. I feel alive, full of hope, relieved, and slightly nervous.

I had a talk yesterday with my bosses that included an end note about my job as their nanny ending in July when the kids go to summer camp. The kids are now 13 and 10 and really don't need a nanny anymore. I will be leaving exactly how I wanted to... like Nanny McPhee or Mary Poppins; when the kids don't need me anymore.

I must tell you, as hard as it will be to say goodbye to those kids, I am delighted to be entering a new season of life! I have been in a sort of waiting period... life has kind of been on hold. It has felt this way for a long time... probably 4-5 years actually. I haven't felt strong direction or freedom to go on to a new adventure until recently, and this meeting confirms my inner promptings.

My plan is to think about, pray about, research, and seek advice about moving out west. I'd like to live in Oregon, but I feel open to other possibilities as well. I love Oregon and that is the place I feel the most pull toward.

Me on the Oregon Coast in 2009

I have been to Oregon three times and loved it every time. When I am in Oregon I feel alive... I love the air, the sea, the green, the pace of life! I enjoyed Portland, the coast, and some towns in the mid-eastern portion of the state during my previous visits. Although I wasn't there for more than a week each time, I really didn't mind the drizzling rain throughout the day.

Anyway- there will be more to come about this, and I can't wait to share how this next year evolves and how God guides and provides me to my next steps.

Hope you have a blessed day!

When a Cold is More Than a Cold

At risk of being vulnerable, I will share something here that I am feeling right now.

One of my biggest struggles is when I am not feeling well and I know (or feel) that there won't be anyone to take care of me. This is a familiar feeling for me, as due to circumstances out of my control, throughout my childhood I was required much of the time to take care of myself. I had many a night with a puke bucket by my bed, or a stack of snotty tissues piled on my nightstand that I had to clean up in the morning... Right before I made myself some chicken soup, took my temperature,  or administered medicine. I learned to be self sufficient and to suffer quietly not only physically, but also emotionally. I acted tough and didn't ask for help. 

Today this pattern still exists to some extent, and the part that's the hardest is the emotional part. There have been seasons in my life where I was in a safe community to share needs and where those needs were met in significant ways, but now as I lie here with my scratchy throat and pounding head, that community is tucked away in years past. It's the emotional ties attached to the physical that becomes hard for me. I so badly want a back rub and some one to play with my hair... Some one to bring me something to drink... Some one who I can tell that "I am fine and don't need anything else right now"... The security in knowing that a person is available is strength enough to perk me up, or toughen me up... Whichever is more applicable in the moment. 

I realize that there are people out there tonight with no friends and no family, with no home and no food, and certainly those who feel worse than I do with the hopefully minor cold that is currently trying to take over my body. I can't shake the loneliness tonight though... The weight is heavy and I am having trouble seeing outside of myself. 

God please help me. Heal my body and heal my heart... Let me be vulnerable with the people I know love me when I need help or special care. Let me not be afraid of my need and the fear of rejection that is paired with my needs. Free me to be whole and open and to trust. May I trust in You and Your tender care for my body and my soul. Grow me, change me, humble me, inspire me, speak to me, and hear my prayers. Amen.

What Are You Hiding From?

     Last night I had another interesting dream. There were a lot of things that happened, but the part that stuck out the most to me occurred in a cafe. I was with Mike, Felicia and Gretchen. They had already picked out what they wanted and I was still trying to decide what I wanted by the time they sat down and started eating. I had ordered a chicken taco, something I can't remember, and then I was inquiring about a salad with spinach or mixed baby greens. The cafe workers informed me they only had romain lettuce and I was disappointed.
   
     It turned out that my friends parents (Relitz's) owned the cafe , so I told Vicky, "Hey- what's up with not having spinach or mixed baby greens? I was really wanting to make a healthy choice, but you didn't have any and Romain is not worth it." (This was a strange conversation because I don't talk like this) I was instructed by Vicky to go talk to Pastor (I can't remember his name) and give my suggestion to him as he does all the ordering. ???

     
     Now here comes the part that seemed interesting/meaningful. When I approached Pastor so-and-so I noticed he was talking to another guy and I hesitated to interrupt about my salad needs (I don't even like salad that much!!). I went up to him and said, "Hello, sir... sorry to interrupt you. My name is Liz and I was told I should talk to you about salads offered in the cafe." He looked at me as to say, "go on", and so I did. I said, "I was hoping for spinach or mixed baby greens for my salad, how come you don't carry it?" He paused for a second and looked at me as if to analyze my soul and said, "Please forgive me for being forward, but what are you trying to hide from?"
       I didn't know what to say and I didn't know what I was hiding, but I also felt strangely vulnerable and like he knew something about me that I didn't want anyone to know... although I didn't have anything specific in mind. I sort of stumbled over my words and told him that maybe he thought I was hiding from something because I felt awkward coming over and introducing myself to him. As he looked at me in disbelief he said, "I just want you to think about that, ask yourself what you are hiding from."

Then I woke up.

     This question has been haunting me a little bit today. What am I hiding from?? What other way could this question be phrase to be more understandable to me?? Why the salad??

   
      I have been thinking lately about my next step in life. I feel like I am  often thinking about this, but the time has come where the actual next step is getting closer. This school year I will be pursuing a certification as a Birth Doula and lactation consultant. I am excited about this next stage in the process to becoming a midwife, but I am also thinking past that. I feel that next year will be a year to do something new in a new place. My heart is calling me west. I would love to live in Oregon and continue to pursue midwifery as I experience a new place. It would be close to so much outdoor beauty; ocean, mountains, rivers, valleys, forests... I want it all!

     I want to keep dreaming and pursuing and working hard toward this next step. May I not lose motivation or vision. May God give me a path that is at the very least clear that it is the right path. Whether it is moving west or staying close, may God's will be done. Please keep my heart alive, Jesus! I have been enjoying the gift of feeling His joy and a wakening of things that have gone dormant for too long.

1st AC

I just finished up working on a short film called Flyway, directed by a friend of mine. It was an amazing experience. This is the second short film I have worked on with this director and crew. The story follows a group of teen boys on a little adventure that must remain nameless until further notice. ;)

On the set of the last film I was a production assistant. I basically helped out wherever needed whether that was holding lights, running errands, and recording sound bytes for audio. This time around I had a more involved role as the 1st AC (assistant camera). I worked with the Director of Photography which I learned, entails much more than just holding the camera and pressing record.

I got to use the slate, help set up the camera, and do my favorite and most challenging part; pulling focus. I can't wait to see the finished product and think to myself, "Hey! I did that!" when the focus changes from close to far in a scene.

After four long and satisfying days of shooting I feel alive! I feel ready to take on the world. My brain is awake and my body is tired yet stirring with anticipation of the next adventure in life. Working on this film is just what I needed.

I am dreaming today about what is next... what will the next year bring? What steps to my goals and aspirations will I take in the coming weeks? It feels good to feel motivated and excited about what is to come instead of feeling like waiting will never end.