Robbed

So, I went ahead and tried to move forward with plans to get the heck outa this town. I have been thinking and praying a lot about moving to Oregon and I thought it would be a good idea to try and get a buddy pass to fly out on my winter vacation to check out some neighborhoods.

Now, I don't have much money to spare, so that's why I was going to go with the buddy pass option. I had previously purchased one off of craigslist and it went great! When I saw a new posting for a SWA pass for 180 bucks I was super excited.

My excitment was soon turned to despair after I put up half the payment for the ticket and was swiftly ignored by the seller; phone number blocked, hung up on when calling with private number, no response to texts or e-mails.

I feel so disappointed! I was so looking forward to being able to get out to Oregon and scope out a few places. Plane tickets at the cheapest are running at $522 from Chicago right now! UGH!

So, I lost $90 and learned a lesson, but it wasn't fun.

Feeling a bit discouraged, but still have hope that I will get the opportunity to go out there and so some research.

Catch and Release

It's the end of an era in my life and I couldn't be more thrilled! As summer is turning to fall here in Chicago, I am dreaming of when spring will turn to summer and I will be released into a new season of life. I feel alive, full of hope, relieved, and slightly nervous.

I had a talk yesterday with my bosses that included an end note about my job as their nanny ending in July when the kids go to summer camp. The kids are now 13 and 10 and really don't need a nanny anymore. I will be leaving exactly how I wanted to... like Nanny McPhee or Mary Poppins; when the kids don't need me anymore.

I must tell you, as hard as it will be to say goodbye to those kids, I am delighted to be entering a new season of life! I have been in a sort of waiting period... life has kind of been on hold. It has felt this way for a long time... probably 4-5 years actually. I haven't felt strong direction or freedom to go on to a new adventure until recently, and this meeting confirms my inner promptings.

My plan is to think about, pray about, research, and seek advice about moving out west. I'd like to live in Oregon, but I feel open to other possibilities as well. I love Oregon and that is the place I feel the most pull toward.

Me on the Oregon Coast in 2009

I have been to Oregon three times and loved it every time. When I am in Oregon I feel alive... I love the air, the sea, the green, the pace of life! I enjoyed Portland, the coast, and some towns in the mid-eastern portion of the state during my previous visits. Although I wasn't there for more than a week each time, I really didn't mind the drizzling rain throughout the day.

Anyway- there will be more to come about this, and I can't wait to share how this next year evolves and how God guides and provides me to my next steps.

Hope you have a blessed day!

When a Cold is More Than a Cold

At risk of being vulnerable, I will share something here that I am feeling right now.

One of my biggest struggles is when I am not feeling well and I know (or feel) that there won't be anyone to take care of me. This is a familiar feeling for me, as due to circumstances out of my control, throughout my childhood I was required much of the time to take care of myself. I had many a night with a puke bucket by my bed, or a stack of snotty tissues piled on my nightstand that I had to clean up in the morning... Right before I made myself some chicken soup, took my temperature,  or administered medicine. I learned to be self sufficient and to suffer quietly not only physically, but also emotionally. I acted tough and didn't ask for help. 

Today this pattern still exists to some extent, and the part that's the hardest is the emotional part. There have been seasons in my life where I was in a safe community to share needs and where those needs were met in significant ways, but now as I lie here with my scratchy throat and pounding head, that community is tucked away in years past. It's the emotional ties attached to the physical that becomes hard for me. I so badly want a back rub and some one to play with my hair... Some one to bring me something to drink... Some one who I can tell that "I am fine and don't need anything else right now"... The security in knowing that a person is available is strength enough to perk me up, or toughen me up... Whichever is more applicable in the moment. 

I realize that there are people out there tonight with no friends and no family, with no home and no food, and certainly those who feel worse than I do with the hopefully minor cold that is currently trying to take over my body. I can't shake the loneliness tonight though... The weight is heavy and I am having trouble seeing outside of myself. 

God please help me. Heal my body and heal my heart... Let me be vulnerable with the people I know love me when I need help or special care. Let me not be afraid of my need and the fear of rejection that is paired with my needs. Free me to be whole and open and to trust. May I trust in You and Your tender care for my body and my soul. Grow me, change me, humble me, inspire me, speak to me, and hear my prayers. Amen.