Ok friends, the truth is out; I'm a fool.
Now, I've always thought being foolish was something more of a character flaw then a personality/changable trait. I think I may have fallen so far as to recieve the high-flying FOOL banner soaring over my photo. There is not one feeling within me that has any bit of justification to set aside my flaw and move on.
Basically I've made the same mistake over and over and over. God has tried to protect me from this, has shown me life without it, and yet I come back to the crap that only fills me for a second and leaves me empty and seeking. Why the hell do I do this? Why do I do this to myself, others, God's name??
How can this be possible? How can I be so much after God's heart and His Will and then forget it and lose myself in a moment of sin? This sucks! I was just told this morning at church about temptation and sin, just challenged to walk away from that temptation and fight back, yet only a few hours later all of that leaves my mind.
And you know what it all comes down to? You know what it all represents? All of my sin, my running to things of the flesh, is just a sign that I don't truly have a grasp on God, that I don't really know what He has for me, what and who he has called me to and to be.
It all says that I am feeling lonely, ugly, fat, unlovable, dumb, lame, unwanted, just pathetic; like trash. When I believe those things is when I run to things of this world instead of thinking for the Kingdom of God. When will I see, when will I REALLY get it?? How many times do I have to fall flat on my naked ass with no way out, left ashamed, cold, used... and I am a user too. GOSH! How disgusting! When will I see that sin leaves me more empty than when I began?
There is part of a song that is perfect for right now, I happen to be listening to it. Here is the chorus:
Right now I don't hear so well and I waswondering if you could speak up. I knowthat you tore the veil so I could sitwith you in person and hear what you'resaying, but right now, I just can't hear you
Right now I don't hear so well and I waswondering if you could speak up. I knowthat you tore the veil so I could sitwith you in person and hear what you'resaying, but right now, I just can't hear you
I don't doubt your sovereignty, I doubtmy own ability to hear what you're sayingand to do the right thing, and Idesperately want to do the right thing
Yup it's true, I'm not hearing so well today folks. At least I'm not hearing the right thing. The rest of the song goes on to say that, "I will wait to hear from you"... I didn't do that today. Perhaps, if I'm not truely a foolish child I will wait; will wait wisely and expectantly for guidance, love, and fulfillment.
Jesus, I'm sorry.
